"My SO (Significant Other) works from home but I don't so I go to bed earlier and when he comes in he tries (with various degrees of success) not to wake me and when I get up I try (again with various degrees of success) not to wake him. Last night I went to bed at midnight. I had a heavy cold but I am blissfully asleep when...

"They won't come out of the living room" announces SO.

"They"are the fabulous furballs Redunzel and Sarrasine AKA Dunz and Sarsi which one thing I call them. Other names are not repeatable (I used all of them in the next few minutes, as you will see!)

“So?” I say glancing at the clock: 3:15AM! I do not feel charitable towards SO for this...

"Sarsi's galloping about, she’s going mental””

This is a crisis, they can stay in the living room if they're asleep when SO goes to bed (He doesn't like waking them as he doesn't want them to think he is horrible despite regularly claiming to loathe one or both of them * he's a soft touch really - discipline of felines such as it is my job) but if Sarsi is in full manic mode it will result in speakers being knocked over at very least. Dunz will join in and two 21-month-old maniacs in full whirlwind mode can do and have done a lot of damage.

I haul myself up; " You go to sleep. I'll sort it out." I mean its not like I have to get up in the morning is it?

I have a weapon, Sarsi is part pig, her appetite would not shame a medium sized pony so I rattle the munchies box and in seconds a skinny little black streak (She is skinny despite stuffing her face at every opportunity- how does she do it?) is there eager for an unexpected late night/early morning treat- it’s encouraging her to misbehave I know but it's 3.20AM, freezing cold, and I want my bed!

I shut the living room door as I go in, Sarsi is UK and possible World champion speed eater. If this takes more than a minute I run the risk she'll be back. Dunz is usually okay now where is she? Oh *$%&! She is on the curtain pole...right side, where she knows the sofa is in the way so I cannot reach and she is grinning.

Usual performance, try telling her to get down...try shouting at her to get down... by the end I am reduced to pathetic pleading ("Dunz, mummy's cold and not well please come down") and even logic ("Look if I don't get to bed soon I won't get up I will lose my job and how will I be able to buy the expensive food you like?)

Of course nothing moves her I could leave her in here (I try switching off the light and leaving the room despite hearing Sarsi mauling the dish as she drags the last morsel out but she's not falling for it) but then I'll lie there waiting for the inevitable crash that signals something on the computer/Hi-fi front crashing down and waking SO who will complain about "my" cats for hours. Not conducive to peaceful rest..

Dunz is coming out! I am bigger and smarter than she is! (Lack of sleep and cold were giving me hallucinations obviously!)... Time for drastic measures... I get one foot on the sofa and one on the armchair and reach up. This is war! As I do this two facts occur to me:

1. Chair is moving towards window due to my putting weight on it. Have vision of chair rolling out of window and ejecting me from first floor flat .Wonder what verdict of inquest will be. "Killed by cat" a distinct possibility.

2. Dunz is thinking " New game! Fun!" and backing off to the point where I think "if my fingers were one micron longer I could get her- how did she work it out?" Anyway she is pulling the curtain rings thus the curtains are opening and I am completely naked... I decide any voyeur dedicated enough to be about at 3.35AM on a bitterly cold morning on the off chance deserves a reward for dedication if nothing else. Anyway the sight of my "ample" form should cure them...

Dunz ends the game by throwing herself off the curtain pole, she does not jump, she throws herself and there's a bang where she bounces off the window...then nothing... I look behind the chair... no sign of her... has she hurt herself? Is she injured or worse? She did crash land after all I glance round, she has, despite the room being well lit (In the dark and without my glasses it's a different matter I once stroked SO's shoe by mistake well it's black and about the right size...) managed to sneak behind me and is watching my antics with a definite snigger... Our eyes meet... she lets out a small "meep" that sounds like "oh!-oh!" suddenly she can't wait to get out . Too tired to even relish my triumph I open the door she runs out... And Sarsi runs in... Grab toy mouse, call out "Sarsi! Kill mousie!" (quietly so not to wake SO) after the third go she follows the mousie out of the living room and I am able to shut the door and finally get back to bed.

It's 3.45, I am exhausted. SO says "Did you get them out?. I lie "Yeah no trouble".

And as I doze off I hear the racket that means Sarsi has got the toilet brush out and is dragging it around the bathroom (Don't ask me why it’s one of her favourite toys but she never takes it out of the bathroom) and peace and quiet resumed for a few hours until the fabulous furballs start kitten khaos again.

Copyright © Lesley Madigan
July 29, 2005