Not only am I adjusting to the fact that my 50th birthday has just waved in passing, but I am rapidly learning what it is like to have a cat around the house.

Having spent my entire life in the company of dogs, this is a period of adjustment that has come easier than I expected. If one just takes the time to delve into the feline mind, it's basically a very simple transition.

For example, cats are very vain creatures -- you don't own them, they own you. They set the rules and you follow them. Cats come and go as they please. There is none of this prancing at the door and running around in circles to catch your attention. They have their own bathroom, complete with full vanity and separate make-up mirror. Naturally, they don't use toilet paper but have you noticed how they've cornered the market on the packaging? When's the last time you saw a picture of a dog placed adoringly next to an angelic, wide-eyed 6 year old girl on the toilet paper wrapping?

Even pet food commercials are prejudiced if you ask me. Note, the poor canine eating food out of a plastic Cool Whip container on the kitchen floor while the feline gets served from a crystal goblet atop an elegant dining table adorned with centerpiece, bone china and solid gold napkin rings.

One could easily be convinced that perhaps a cat has more brains than a dog, and maybe they do.

A dog will stand by the door like a statue when you leave in the morning and still be in the same position when you return home at night. A cat, on the other hand, will take your absence as a slap to the face and get its revenge by stalking you upon your arrival and wait until you fall asleep to suck the breath out of your body as punishment.

If you leave the house for 30 seconds and come back because you've forgotten your car keys, a dog will react as though you've been gone for 5 years -- the full-blown tail wagging and tongue hanging scenario.

A cat will shoot you a look that says, "Hey, dork! Have you ever taken the time to fully absorb just how big of an idiot you really are?"

And when cats aren't giving themselves a bath, they're strutting around the house as if THEY make the payments! Dogs don't care whether they bathe or not -- they are much too busy worrying about how much you love them. So much in fact, that a matted hairball the size of a lemon hanging from one ear fails to phase them.

Dogs aren't choosy about TV programs, either. They are most content watching reruns of My Mother The Car or The Real McCoys, while cats will only perk an ear to the ballet or 60 Minutes.

Dogs don't care if they have bad breath, but a cat wouldn't be caught dead without a roll of Certs. Cats only shop at Nieman-Marcus while a dog will settle for K-Mart. Jewel studded collars are a must for cats. Dogs make do with a simple choke-chain held together by a bread twister. And you'll never convince me that it's the cat who catches the mouse. Ten bucks says it's the dog who catches it, skins it and then de-bones it before the feline will even go near it.

So, there you have it -- my views on the difference between cats and dogs, now that I've lived among both. Cats may have more class, but the dog gets a few extra points for at least making an effort.

Any way you look at it, the dog gets the short end of the stick. But, then again, the dog is the one foolish enough to go and fetch it!

Copyright © Terry Fitterer
July 10, 2003

Read Terry's poem: Purr-fect Revenge