A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!?!" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.

The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is... The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!

VERSION 1

Two ROBINS were lying on their backs, BASKING in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, 'Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?' To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied,

"How about some Baskin Robbins?"

VERSION 2

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly ploughed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"Okay," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came around and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I just LOVE Baskin Robins."

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred "I'll die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked... "How many times?"

In the Bronx, N.Y., lived a rich cat who was a bit of a snob, though she did deign to chat on occasion with her neighbour, an alley cat.

One day, she announced that she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was for.

Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of operation she had had.

"Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy."

"For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation, ... "Why can't you call a spayed a spayed."

Three feral cats were bragging about their kittens.

The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat."

The third cat said nothing.

The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bred Siamese."

The third cat said still said nothing.

Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?"

She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."