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CATASTROPHES

Cat Physics

  1. Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
    All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

  2. Law of Cat Acceleration
    A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

  3. Law of Cat Composition
    A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

  4. Law of Cat Disinterest
    A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

  5. Law of Cat Elongation
    A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

  6. Law of Cat Embarrassment
    A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

  7. Law of Cat Gravitation
    A cat's gravitational pull (i.e. weight) will vary upward in direct proportion to the desire of the human to move the cat.

  8. Law of Cat Inertia
    A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

  9. Law of Cat Invisibility
    Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.

  10. Law of Cat Landing
    A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

  11. Law of Cat Magnetism
    All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

  12. Law of Cat Mass
    The mass of a cat is inversely proportional to its desire to be picked up.

  13. Law of Cat Motion
    A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

  14. Law of Cat Obedience
    As yet undiscovered.

  15. Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle)
    It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she might be.

  16. Law of Cat Sleeping
    All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

  17. Law of Cat Stretching
    A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

  18. Law of Cat Thermodynamics
    Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

  19. Law of Cat Washing
    A cat will wash itself at any time which is appropiate, which includes especially the moment after something has been jumped and escaped.

  20. Law of Concentration of Mass
    A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

  21. Law of Dinner Table Attendance
    Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

  22. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
    Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

  23. Law of Energy Conservation
    Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

  24. Law of Equidistant Separation
    All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

  25. Law of Fluid Displacement
    A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

  26. Law of Furniture Replacement
    A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

  27. Law of Milk Consumption
    A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

  28. Law of Obedience Resistance
    A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

  29. Law of Pill Rejection
    Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

  30. Law of Random Comfort Seeking
    A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

  31. Law of Refrigerator Observation
    If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

  32. Law of Rug Configuration
    No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

  33. Law of Selective Listening
    Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.

  34. Law of Space-time Continuum
    Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

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