You've heard this one before, I'm sure. Yet I can't help repeating it. The theory goes like this: Cats are actually a race of aliens, all in contact with one another. Long ago they arrived on our planet and decided to take over. Rather than waging war or anything ridiculous, they merely contrived to make themselves cute and furry. You see, aliens are much more intelligent than us -- they know that war is not the answer, and cute furriness is.

Everybody who owns a cat is actually helping an alien perpetuate the alien mission, which is to dominate the universe. The Earth will not be completely conquered until every nation keeps cats safe and happy. Currently there are some smaller, less advantaged countries where cats do not fare terribly well. I hate to mention this, but there are still countries where cats are eaten! This causes much stress to the Alien Feline Plan. The One Cat Mind has been subtly influencing the world leaders in ways that will lead to a better balance between all nations. This has been going on for centuries, but the human race is too stupid to keep up with the psychic influences of the alien cats.

In the meantime, cats inhabit the lives of the inferior humans, who falsely believe they are being magnanimous by feeding and caring for cats, when in fact they are the cats' slaves. That's the key to the alien cats' success: they convince you that you're in control, that you're doing a good deed, when in reality you are being used for your ability to supply shelter and crunchies. But all is not in vain: your cats assure that you will continue to provide a secure and well-fed environment by reducing your stress and giving you a sense of calm and well-being. They also discourage you from indulging in the intellectual degradation of television by trying to sit in front of your TV. They look out for you, as much as they can.

To perpetuate the illusion, the cats have conceived of an elaborate system of "play" that keeps humans entertained while, in fact, it communicates an elaborate and complex alien code to the other cats in the Universal Purring Network. The playing and "batting" of a mouse toy sends ripples of information through an ethereal plane as-yet-undiscovered by humanoid technology. Much like Morse code, or the complicated signals of a bee alerting his hive to the location of pollen, a cat's "play" is a fantastic dance of information. Batting means one thing, lying down on one side and "kicking" the toy with both feet at once means another thing, and pouncing means yet another. Even falling over accidentally, then getting up as if nothing happened, has a very specific meaning in the hexadecimal alien code, a code so rich in data-compression that you'd need to learn seven kinds of calculus just to crack it.

So next time you suspect that your cat possesses a strange, otherworldly and almost god-like intelligence and knowledge, guess what? It does! Your cat is controlling transmission, and you will be assimilated.

Copyright © Zak
July 22, 1998