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CATASTROPHES

The CAT Users' Manual

User Installation and Maintenance Documentation
CAT v. 7.0: Completely Autonomous Tester
Manufactured by MOMCAT

System Design Specifications:

User Friendly
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning
Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Routput Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Instant Transition

Production Details:
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onside ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations between units. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units.
Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.
Transportation:
A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.
Installation Procedures:
Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production enviroment. The user may manually remove any bugs.
Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20! C (+/- 3! tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transporation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program catfind() by displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, display the output bin.
If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. Afer 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment.
The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axis: standing, sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.
A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site.
Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. Such unitacross the room with its back to you.
Applications:
At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT.
MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed.
Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some CAT games are:

CACHE The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object must be smaller.
JUMP Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.
MIRROR Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
CHASE Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
DANCE & SING Offer fishy data code to elicit a rio output.

Maintenance:

CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle.

CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a violent explosion.

A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup.

Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such sys run unix.
Warning Notices:

CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to milspecs and thus classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a unit was seen by ham radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.

Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.

In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface.

Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage.

Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by it's "tail".
Service Life:

As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good.

CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or studying tropical fish.

If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.

User Groups:
CAT users can find other users and an faq on the Usenet newsgroup rec.pets.cats.
Lifetime Warranty:
The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included.
Documented Problems:

The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may lead to serious performance problems.

Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit. These tend to disappear.
System Features:

Models Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.
Interface Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
Memory Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
Expected Lifetime 15 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are common).
Weight 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
Speed 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.
Color Graphics Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terrabits of high resolution floating point pixels.
Sound Chip 16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
Power Consumpution 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
Operating Range -30! to +45! C (-22! to 105!)
Vibration 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.
Contacting CAT Technical Support
Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you -- as soon as they wake up from their nap.
Submit your CAT bug report. Requests for enhancement (rfe), etc.
Remember: it's not a bug, it's a flea. Don't bother sending in your complaints: just like your CAT unit, our technicians won't pay attention either.

Copyright © Andreas Ramos, 1995-2001
Printed with permisson of the author.

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CACHE	The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object must be smaller.
JUMP	Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.
MIRROR	Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
CHASE	Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
DANCE & SING	Offer fishy data code to elicit a rio output.

Models	Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.
Interface	Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
Memory	Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
Expected Lifetime	15 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are common).
Weight	3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
Speed	3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.
Color Graphics	Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terrabits of high resolution floating point pixels.
Sound Chip	16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
Power Consumpution	250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
Operating Range	-30! to +45! C (-22! to 105!)
Vibration	5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.