CATASTROPHES

The Cavemen Days

I can understand women liking cats 'cause they're usually into the more sedate kinda of stuff. I can see it now - back in the caveman days.. (screen gets wavy as we drift back to about 20,000 BC).

Og the caveman comes home one day with his loyal companion "Zot." In the cave Oomi, his mate, is cooking a mastodon leg over a fire pit with what is nowadays known as a cat sleeping against a cave wall.

"Ug! What that! Zot, KILL!"
[shriek] "No Og! That 'mittens'. Mittens my new pet."

"Ok, Zot - no kill." (Zot stops the attack) "Ok Oomi, you explain why useless animal suddenly live in cave with Og." "Oh Og, you Poohead! 'Mittens' not useless!"

"Oh? What mittens do then? Mittens protect house like Zot?"
"Well, no..."

"Mittens do tricks like Zot? -- Zot, get cavebeer for Og...good boy"
"no..."

"Mittens help Og hunt Mastodons, like Zot then?"
"Well, actually - no.."

"Mittens help herd goats for Og, like Zot?"
"No Og, mittens lounge around house while Oomi knit things for Og, and make Crochet things for Og."

"What good mittens then? For that matter, what good are 'doileys' you crochet?" "Oh Og! mittens is cute and cuddly! and one day Oomi will find a use for 'doiley'" (that day never came).

"You not need mittens for something cute and cuddly! Og get you hamster. Hamster cute and cuddly too, and hamster not need to eat out of crystal dish with food like 'Gourmet Choice cut Sheba cave-treats with real Brontosaurus spleen', plus hamster smart enough to not tinkle on Og's bed." "No Og...Oomi like mittens and if you want clean animal skins and Mastodon dinner every night, you let Oomi keep mittens".

[groan] "Fine. Oomi keep mittens, but Oomi not complain if Zot eat mittens" "Og, you not let Zot anywhere NEAR Oomi's precious wittle snookums or no 'boonka boonka' ever!"

[louder groan] "Okaaaaaay...so what type of creature is a 'mittens'?" "Hmm..Oomi thinks it be called 'cat!'"

"Figures.."

..and so was borne the cat as a house pet.

The cavemen attributed it to one of the "silly woman thing that men never understand" and let the women have their cats and their doileys and their pink cave-mobiles, and went about their business.

..then ONE day...

"Hello Oomi, Og back from hunting now. Zot kill 4 Mastodons and bring down 2 Sabre-tooth mittens -er- cats".

"Og, you not come in now. Oomi is having 'tupperware party'"

"What means 'tupperware party' ... no matter Og see it is another one of silly woman things..Og be going now."

"Ok Og, you come back in 2 hours. -- Wait, Og must meet everyone: Og, this is Grunelda, Zepessa and Gronk"

"Hello ladies, Og be going now..AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!! GRONK! What you doing in here at Tupperware party? You not cavewoman! You cave-MAN! What you doing making Crochet doiley? Why you wear pink frilly-thing? ...and why you play with CAT?!?!?! That not MAN pet, that woman pet!"

..and so began the ever so disturbing trend of 'men' owning cats as well. No longer were they the strange folly of women. Of course Gronk was never again invited to go hunting, or to play cavepoker, or to watch the footrock games; but for some reason, that never bothered Gronk. Gronk was content to knit and crochet and attend tupperware parties; Gronk's tastes grew ever increasingly more toward the pastel colors, Gronk was never seen again to bonk a cave woman on the head and drag her into the "Cave O' Lust"..in fact some say that Gronk was seen to bonk his friend 'Bruce' on the head...but then those were just rumors...but the worst sin of all, Gronk went out and got a cat of his very own.

'Snuggles' he called it...

Copyright © dcoble


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