We all know that, unless sleeping or eating or sick, that cats Must Be Entertained At All Costs! That means that one must be diligent at providing toys and games for them. Many people fall short of this rule; including yours truly. But, like with me, sometimes a new toy is invented inadvertently.

This morning I invented a new toy/game. It has rules. First, when one puts on their bathrobe, Do Not Tie The Inner Strings! Just tie the outer belt. Then go Worship at the Porcelain Altar. Next rule: spread your legs wide. If you are wearing underdrawers, push them to your ankles. Rule for the cat: Cat Must climb into drawers to play game.

Make sure the inner string to the bathrobe is dangling. Make small movements like leaning forward or reaching for book in order to make the string move enticingly. You know you have moved correctly when the cat grabs the string while delicately brushing your inner thigh with a claw!

Now it is time to get more into the game by pretending to tuck the string away with your left hand, since your right hand is holding either a book or a wad of tissue. Of course your left hand is inept at this job, so the end of the string is even more enticing to a cat. (NOTE: left-handers reverse the hand rules for this game.)

At this point, the cat is so enthralled with the game it leaves pretty red marks on your inner thighs as it is trying to snag the enticing string. But finally left hand gets the string sort of tucked away. Then it is time to make an offering to the Altar. This gives the cat time to relax and meditate.

Next, one must lean forward and to one side to follow the offering with tissue so mortal eyes can't see the offering. This must be accomplished in such a way that the string falls down and dangles in front of the cat's nose. Since your right hand is busy and your left hand is maintaining your balance, the cat has plenty of room and time to play the game with gusto.

The cat must make tiny skin and blood offerings to the Altar for the new game. Also, the claws must catch in the string and be jerked in such a way that you are pulled off balance while you are gyrating at the skin and blood offerings. You must also be chanting to the Altar at this time. This chanting sounds like yelling and screaming; but that is to throw off unbelievers, since The Holy Rites are secret!

After the game is over one must cover the marks of the blood and skin sacrifices with holy ointment and flesh-colored Band-Aid to maintain secrecy. Then go love the cat with plenty of scritches for playing the game so well.

Copyright © Catherine Jo Sadler
March 23, 2002