In return for having the basic needs provided, the average human will have little expectation of their resident feline. Sure, the human does put limitations on the cat's freedom to wander where it wishes, the location of its latrine, and possibly the timing of the yummy food, but all in all, the only thing that the human really expects from the cat in return is for it to do "cute cat stuff" and purr when the human ravishes it with affection in the form of scritches and pats. Other domestic arrangements like "fetch" and "meow for breakfast" are open to negotiation between feline and human, with many varied responsibilities having been formed for mutual benefit between the parties. Each grouping of humans and cats is entitled to a different set of "duties of cat" and "duties of human" set out in the coexistence agreement after the standard contract has been drawn up.
If the contract is breached by one of the parties involved, the party which has the grievance can exact retribution. Depending on the severity of the crime involved, the cat may choose to ignore the offender, may try to scratch and bite, or, if the crime is horrendous, may simply relocate to a more peaceable location. The human, on the other hand, may try such techniques as "time out", the water squirt, or, if the rift between human and cat becomes irreconcilable, may resort to incarcerating the offender in the RSPCA compound. Of course, the contract may re-negotiated at the instance of either party at any time, and the new contract becomes valid at that point in time, providing that the inalienable rights of both parties are retained (ie., human fulfills duties of food, shelter, companionship and entertainment for cat, and cat provides "cute kitty stuff" and purrs when being petted) and that both parties consent to the new conditions.
Shmoggleberry and I have had an on-going contract with each other for about 7 years now. Both parties seem to have negotiated at least a workable set of guidelines, and both of us seem relatively satisfied with the outcomes, aired grievances aside.
However, Shmoggleberry is remiss in one aspect: every night, when I go to bed, I formally request that Shmoggleberry joins me on the mattress. I point out that it his catly duty, after all, I am now forced to get up at hideous hours of the morning to feed him "the good stuff" when he was previously satisfied with free-feeding at the kibble, and that there ought to be a little give-and-take in this situation. His reactions to my request vary from directly ignoring me, brazenly licking his most private areas, or sharpening his claws on the good furniture. I am forced then to bed down with "Seal", the white, stuffed toy which I am forced to use as a cat-substitute. As far as I'm concerned, Shmoggleberry is in breach of contract, and is not fulfilling his half of the agreement. The "seal" does not seem to care one way or another.
On pointing out, quite forcibly, that he is neglecting his duties, as I am forced to go to bed with a cat substitute, I often get "The Look", which, I understand, is a form of punishment dealt out by cats to their humans who have in some way dishonoured their contractual obligations. I might point out here, that although having my sleeping area occupied with a number of stuffed animals is indeed quite pleasant, it in no way equivalent to the pleasure of having a cat, specifically, *my* cat, sharing my slumber. If Joel kindly deposits Shmoggleberry on the bed and reminds the cat in no uncertain terms of the arrangement we have come to, Shmoggleberry is likely to hiss at "Seal" and whup Joel across the face with his newly sharpened claws. This is in no way satisfactory, and I feel Shmoggleberry's duties are sorely in arrears.
But what is to be done? In all other ways, Shmoggleberry is filling his contractual duties, as I believe I am. If Shmoggleberry believes I am in breach of contract, he has in no way communicated his grievances with me. I do not wish to extract retribution, as this is not an immediate sort of behaviour that a bit of decent retribution can solve. I also do not believe there is some " irreconcilable difference" that is preventing us from having an otherwise satisfying and fulfilling co- existence, however, I do believe it is my God-given right to have my cat on my bed when I want, and furthermore, believe that Shmoggleberry is intentionally breaching the contract for his own selfish gain. I leave it to the jury to decide the proper manner in which to ensure Shmoggleberry fulfills his catly obligations.
Copyright © Vicky Chapman
May 11, 1999
In response to Vicky's complaint regarding Shmoggleberry's "Contractual Obligation",read Master MacTavish's "Reply to Shmoggleberry" (by Jo Gray)
