This is another episode in The Adventures of Duncan Idaho and Grey Mouser. Their tale began in The Cat Who Walked Through Walls and continued in The Adventures of Duncan and Mouser - Part 1.

Duncan of course ruled my house, my life, and his little brother Mouser (after all any cat who can face down a full grow Great Dane at the tender age of 6 weeks takes no guff from mere humans). He shared my meals (more accurately he let me eat some of what was on my plate), shared my bed (okay, so my share was this itty-bitty corner), and he helped me to keep perspective on my job (with a boss at home like him, if Machiavelli himself were my supervisor at work it would be an improvement). He let me know when it was time to play, time to cuddle (so he had a soft side), and which of my former possessions were now kitty toys. He kept our home safe -- he considered himself a "watchcat" and sat in the front window. I was informed of anyone walking up the driveway by a long healthy hiss (he has been known to scare away Jehovah's Witnesses with a glance).

Then after eight years of ruling my life (I really didn't mind ... some body had to do it) he faced the first real challenge to his authority. I met a wonderful woman who I wished to become my wife. When she moved in there was a clash of wills so strong, that the world has not seen its like since the Cuban Missile Crisis. For some odd reason Michelle did not approve of cats on our dinner table -- especially during dinner. She wanted a far greater share of the blanket and the bed than Duncan was willing to give. She brought in stuff that looked like perfectly good kitty toys (the whole tale of the panty hose wars is a story in itself!) and for some reason she did not want to relinquish them to the cats.

Duncan Idaho went from assuming this was "another human to rule" into deciding she was another cat trying to take over his territory. In short, he went to war. Any good general knows that the best tactic is to divide and conquer. So when I was around he was so sweet that butter (that he sole from the fridge) wouldn't melt in his mouth. When it was only Michelle around, he would randomly hiss at her, maliciously destroy her possessions, and try to intimidate her in every way. When I would sit next to Michelle, Duncan was always right there -- usually trying to get between us.

Michelle is a remarkable woman. She had a will every bit as strong as Duncan's (a bit frightening when you think about it). She staked out certain areas that were for people and not for cats. This included the kitchen table (the cats were allowed to be fed during dinner, but (indignity of indignities) only on the floor. It also included the bathroom, particularly when she was using it. Both cats had learned early on that a person sitting on the toilet had nothing better to do with their hands than to pet kitties. So in short, she went to war.

Her first weapon of choice was her hiss. Figuring, correctly, that if you want to communicate with a cat you should do so in its language, she would hiss back at Duncan. Although Duncan had grown to a full 25 lbs (this included NO FAT) and had a hiss to match, it was no match for Michelle's which sounded like the Lion King in a very bad mood. Her next weapon (used only when absolutely necessary like training Duncan to keep off the table) was a squirt bottle. Duncan was nobody's fool and soon learned that if the bottle was somewhere he did not want to be there!! [A side note here -- do not ever tell children to squirt a cat if it jumps up on the table. While Duncan was still apt to forget occasionally, we had a Fourth of July cookout at our house including Ribs (one of Duncan's favorites -- the spicier the better). The adults ate at one table in the dining room and the kids were put at the kitchen table where, incidentally, all the extra ribs were. They were given the squirt bottle and instructions to squirt Duncan if, and only if, he jumped up onto the table. A little while later we heard these two normally sweet kids going "here Duncan" ... they were trying to tempt him to jump up on the table (with cake) so that they could squirt him.]

Who won? That is hard to say. Duncan does not jump on the table anymore, and he does not hurt Michelle's things (aside from constantly making out with her shoes). So Michelle got her way. There are, however, some clues that Michelle is now kitty whipped.

Clue One: She has been heard to say when she is not feeling well -- "I need a kitty to sit on me."

Clue Two: If, and only if, she asks Duncan to come sit beside her and he says no, do I get to sit beside her on the couch.

Clue Three: When we are grabbing a quick hamburger from Wendy's or the like, she will buy the cat a Junior Bacon CheeseBurger of its own!! In fact one day a few weeks ago she was working on a Saturday and I was out. She stopped and got a hamburger to take home. Actually two -- one for her and one for Duncan. I ended up eating Peanut Butter and Jelly, and at the same time I was feeding Duncan his burger!! (In fairness to Michelle, she did not know I would be home and I keep telling myself this would have made a difference.)

Clue Four: It turned out that Michelle became allergic to cat dander (on the allergy scale of 6 she is a 5 so it is much more than a minor annoyance). I told her that we would give the cats to my mother and she said no. We bought air filters and give the cats weekly sponge baths. This lessens her reaction to the cats, but she still reacts. She is willing to put up with it so that she can keep "her Duncan".

Clue Five: Duncan may be sound asleep on my lap, but when Michelle comes home he jumps up and greets her at the door to get "mommy petting".

Clue Six: Michelle has on more than one occasion said "You know I only married you for Duncan."

So who won? I did. I now have a wonderful woman in my life who makes me happier than any man on earth. And I have two wonderful cats who love her almost as much as I do.

The Adventures of Duncan Idaho and Grey Mouser will continue.

Copyright © Jim Lindsey
March 25, 1997