Okay. My cats have grossed me out before. EVERYBODY’S cat’s has probably made them slightly ill at one time or another, but tonight my dearest, darling, Lilac Point Siamese, Lilah topped the Gross Out List for the year.

Before I revolt you, dear readers, allow me to just give you a few examples of my darling cats more disgusting little habits.

I'll start with Ming, bless her little heart. We've all heard about her predilection for eating pure wool socks, but she also eats spiders. Big ones. The bigger, the better. Now, you might ask what is the problem with that? Well, let me tell you. Firstly, I'm scared to DEATH of spiders. ANY spiders turn me into a shivering mass of hysterical nerves. Some people can't cope with snakes, others can't cope with mice, well, I'm terrified of spiders. One could even go so far as to call it Arachnophobia! Anyway, the little beast ALWAYS brings her damned spiders into the house ALIVE and dumps them on the floor right in front of me. Then, in true cat fashion, she has to EAT the damn thing while it’s still kicking, chewing it up with her mouth wide open, relishing every yummy leg and making sure that I'm copping the maximum effect of the show. (After all, it HAS been performed for my benefit!) Having finished her spider, she burps delicately and normally barfs it straight back up so she gets to eat it TWICE! Entrée and main meal in one! I, of course, haven't BUDGED from my chair. My knees are up under my armpits and my eyes are always glued to her in horrified fascination in case she misses a bit, or, god forbid, let’s the bloody thing go! She does the same thing with crickets, grasshoppers, moths, in fact, just about anything that isn't already in her food bowl and not kicking. *shudder*!!

Fatty, of course, is just a glutton, so he really doesn't have a whole lot of problems. His main trouble is that, being a long haired cat, beautiful as he knows he is and how he assures everyone ELSE he is, he sometimes reacts to certain cans of cat food with DIRE results at the, er, OTHER end! Yep! His pooh will dribble down the back of his legs and lodge in the lovely ‘feathers’ of his hind legs and tail which then forces US into galvanised action. He sits and sleeps on our bed, you see, and I do NOT want filthy, stinky cat crap on my bed, thankyouverymuch!!!! Much to his disgust, and ours, he is rushed outside to the pen where hubby and I don rubber gloves and, whilst one of us hold and lifts his tail, the other gets to hose his bum off! Very undignified for him, but extremely necessary for us, ‘cos he stinks and he won't clean himself, the lazy, fat creep! Then further indignities are inflicted when we bring him back into the house and blow dry his bum . Although he enjoys it, I think I can think of HEAPS of other things I can do with my time! His other disgusting habit, again partially because he’s a pig and partially because of his luxurious coat, we have the almost daily pleasure of the old hawked up fur ball! GREAT things to step on at night when heading off to the toilet without turning on the light. You don't WANT to have to wake right up, become conscious, clean up the dirty damn thing, clean your foot, the carpet and then climb back into bed and compose yourself for sleep again. By that time, you're wide awake and the dawn is probably breaking anyway!

And then, of course, there is Lilah. Now, I'm having a genuinely hard time trying to think anything she does that is really disgusting. She’s such a prissy little miss that to even THINK of her being disgusting is almost impossible. Mind you, I can think of HUNDREDS of things she does that annoy the hell out of me but apart from one truly annoying little habit, she’s not too bad at all. She sits and clears her throat, making the most AWFUL noise, not unlike a dirty old wino hawking up some phlegm, although she doesn't do the follow through, thank goodness! Anyway, back to my original complaint and the reason for this story. Lilah, MY Lilah. My prissy little Lilah did something SO disgusting last night that I don't think I'm ever going to recover!

I was at my computer last night, actually WORKING and not carrying on in chat rooms when Lilah pushed open the office door and wandered in. I was dressed, as usual, in pyjamas and no slippers because I had the radiator on and the room was lovely and toasty.

As I was typing away, the most appalling stench suddenly assaulted my nostrils, and without moving at all, bellowed for my hubby, as I simply assumed that someone had been to the bank and left a deposit that needed to be withdrawn awfully quickly before the smell permeated the entire house. Not receiving an immediate response, I moved back slightly, turned my head and bellowed again, noticing as I did so, that the stench became immediately a WHOLE lot worse. Fortunately, when I moved, I only swivelled my seat slightly, I didn't move my feet, (thank GOD!). Glancing down I saw, to my absolute horror that Lilah, on her casual way passed me under the desk had vomited up the entire contents of her stomach ALL OVER MY FEET!!!!! Oh, my goodness! I nearly died! Vomit rates right up there with spiders on my list of pet hates! Needless to say, I froze and screeched my head off which brought the entire household running. My son started laughing so hard that he needed the wall to hold him up! My husband probably would've laughed too, but he has to share a bed with me, so he very wisely went and got a heap of toilet paper and cleaned up all the puke and then got a hot washcloth and cleaned my feet off as I was still sitting absolutely rigid in my chair with horror!

He then took Lilah out of the room with him, presumably to congratulate her on her great new trick. As for me? I gathered the shreds of my very wounded dignity about me and went off and had a VERY hot, long shower! I don't think my feet have ever been scrubbed so hard or for so long!

Copyright © Jo Gray
May 25, 2004