I've finally done it. I have found the perfect solution for fleas. I'm about to throw out Ollie's flea collars. Never again will the cat have to be polluted with flea killing chemicals. I have decided to train Ollie's fleas and it is all so humane. No nasty killing of poor little fleas, cut off in the flower of their nips. I now announce the new, New Zealand Flea Circus. I tell you, I am going to make a fortune - just like all those people who regale us with spam HOW TO MAKE HEAPS AND HEAPS OF MONEY.

Performers will be amazingly easy to come by and food will be a breeze - it will just be a matter of popping the fleas on my arm for a time - er, er, perhaps Ted will offer his arm or even Ollie his tail. I'll offer Ted the job of fleamaster as a bribe.

There will be no limit to the sort of acts they can do. Tight-rope hopping on a wire over a saucer of water, being shot out of a miniature cannon into a flaming hoop, bare-back riding on a pet mouse and various hopping competitions

I tell you, people will be lining up to give me their fleas. I'll be famous - John, Ted and Ollie too. We'll all have our photos in the paper. It's exciting. I had no idea that fleas were so fascinating. Did you know that they can pull 134,000 times their own weight? They can leap 1,000 times in an hour. I love them already.

And think of all the flea memorabilia, it's going to be every bit as profitable as the Harry Potter books. I can have flea flags, buttons, stickers, Ted could combine chief tattoo artist with his job as fleamaster and design your own flea tattoos, postcards featuring your favourite flea, designer flea T-shirts - you get the picture. Best of all, people can order them by fleamail.

Sadly though, there is always some cunning person who has got there first - go to www.trainedfleas.com. Sigh, guess it's back to the drawing boards for me. Now where did I put the cat's flea collars?

Copyright © Beverley Dunlop
February 15, 2001