Often, with the many types of domesticated felines (hereinafter referred to as "Kitties") occupying our houses and streets, people are left to wonder about the heritage of their respective family pet(s). I too have occasionally wondered this.

Then one day I made a small discovery that caused an hypothesis to develop. Whilst I was dutifully stroking the Manors obligatory resident feline, I noticed that while performing Madame Robyns third instruction (of a list of petting duties left for me to perform while Madam was off searching for Araucana chicks [a bean?], purchasing chick starter [???], and perusing perennial seeds), that using a simple manipulation of the "kitties" ears, then observing the subsequent reaction, one could most accurately determine said subject "kitties" ancestry.

To test this hypothesis, I gathered up all of the stray "kitties" I could find (much to Madame Robyns delight..), and developed a testing model. Then, for comparative purposes, I gathered up as many stray dogs as I could find.

The test:

This is the original "petting instruction number three", as written and left by Madame Robyn for me to perform:

"#3- Put my little pookaboo on your lap facing you, then fold his ears down so they lay flat on his head, then bend down, rub his nose with yours, and say in a squeaky voice `oooo... you look part Lab to me..'. Then stick your tongue out and pant like a dog."

I modified this instruction slightly for the scientific test.

The preliminary results:

• If Lovey simply sits there and looks at you, then kitty is indeed part Lab.
• If the cute kitty jumps down and picks up a milk bottle cap and brings it to you, it is part Retriever.
• If the little devil runs to a secret hiding spot and gets a toy, it is part Poodle. (note-at least 4 hours must have passed since kitty last saw the toy)
• If kitty does as above, then prances and jumps around the toy, this indicates part Border Collie.
• If the thing jumps up and pushes its chin against you, leaving drool, it is part Mastiff.
• If it does as above, but has long hair, it is part St. Bernard.
• If the damn thing just sits there and does nothing, but then suddenly jumps when you get up and follows you to the bathroom, and everywhere else.., while yowling.., it is part Dalmation.
• If kitty bites you and won't let go, the little bastard is part Terrier.
• If the whelp launches full force off of your groin and runs away, it is part Greyhound.
• If the rotten thing launches off your groin, runs around like crazy, bounces off the wall, chews a bloody phone cord, AND it has long hair that it leaves everywhere, it is an Angora Rabbit!

This is all the stupid testing I am gonna do!
Any other P.fDs wanna carry on?

Fraternally yours, Shel. Pfd.

Copyright © Shel, P.fD
May 4, 1999