As many of you know the United States is home to some of the best animal behaviorists in the world. Not only that but some of the most reknowned psychics are also in America (can you say Miss Cleo?). Now using the latest in communications technology Rekenaw Tribal Industries has been able to contact directly a Felis Domesticus living in England. The following is the direct transcript of the interview:

Reporter: Hello? Can you hear me? Is the signal getting through?
Cat: Yes. I'm hearing you just fine. Can we get on with this?

Reporter: Thank you for agreeing to go on the air with us.
Cat: No problem. You did promise some kippers, right?

Reporter: Many viewers here in the United States have been wondering for a longtime just what it's like to be a cat in England. Is England your first choice of habitat?
Cat: No it's not. It's too bloody wet, too bloody foggy and some of the humans here are just not in their right mind.

Reporter: Where would you live if you had the choice?
Cat: California!

Reporter: And why's that?
Cat: It's warm. It's dry. And, I hear the chicks there have the sexiest necks!

Reporter: The Chicks?
Cat: Oh Yes! California Girls! I wish they all could be California Girls!

Reporter: Pardon my directness, but aren't you neutered?
Cat: Doesn't mean I can't play around. Besides, girls love a guy with an accent, I'd be like a kitten in a room full of nursing mothers!

Reporter: AH. I see. [laugh] So what kind of food do you prefer?
Cat: A little kibble. Some tinned once in a while. And of course anything I can take off the table.

Reporter: So you don't like mice?
Cat: That's bloody awful! You don't eat mice! They're only to play with. I'm a "Housecat", not some bloody barbarian feral!

Reporter: What about all this talk about "proper" moisture content?
Cat: I have no idea. I prefer fresh bottled water daily, none of this "tap" water rubbish.

Reporter: Bottled?
Cat: You don't drink tap water, why should I?

Reporter: So how about this indoor-outdoor issue? Any comments?
Cat: It's fine either way. Some cats prefer to rule a whole block, others can only control a flat. As long as there are windows to look out of, lots of warm places to sleep and catnip toys to play with I could spend my entire day in the flat, erm, in California of course.

Reporter: But you get to go outside everyday
Cat: I have to just to keep my sanity. Do you know what it's like to live with a deviant human who never gets out of the house? Not only does he look funny but some of the smells can knock a cat down!

Reporter: Smells?
Cat: He never washes himself. Not only that but he gets flatulent every time he eats meat and then has the temerity to blame it on me! Like I could ever fart that much!

Reporter: So why don't you just leave?
Cat: Are you kidding? A cat could get killed walking across the street around here.

Reporter: Who is this man?
Cat: I'd really rather not say, I never know which one will be sitting in the chair at any one time and I'm not fond of being smacked around.

Reporter: Any last comment?
Cat: I think it's ridiculous that any of you humans can claim to understand us. Cats are the very definition of "inscrutable".

Reporter: Thank you very much.
Cat: (Already gone)

Copyright © John Mullen
September 14, 2001

Read the original version: Interview with a Cat (No Current Events)