The saucer-like craft hurtled out of the Earth’s atmosphere at a speed that would have made a bullet wince with fear. The outer hull plates glowed red-hot as the air, superheated with the craft’s passing, slipped over the black armour plating of the Hiktonn Scout Vessel. The main engines whined with the awesome power so typical of Hiktonnian Agitator Drives as they struggled to break the planet’s gravity.

Emerging finally into the blankness of space, the alien ship rattled a bit, slowed, halted and with a puff of thrust from one of the retro rockets, finally settled into a lazy orbit around the small blue/green planet below. Safe from the dangerous heat caused by atmospheric friction, the many gun emplacements emerged from hidden compartments all over the surface of the saucer. The ship now resembled a rather portly looking black porcupine that had been run over by a small moon.

This comparison would have been completely lost on the thirty-five Hiktonnians inside the ship who had never even seen a squashed portly black porcupine and wouldn't have known what to do with one in any event.

Bloobus, Commander of the Hiktonn Scoutship H’artAveno stood up on four of his blobby green legs and rose from his seat on the bridge. Pausing only to pull up his short tunic to ensure that his ceremonial illuminated sphincter was on full display, he strode over in the typical strange undulating motion of all Hiktonnian natives to a console at the rear of the command deck, where a smaller Hiktonnian sat reading displays with two eyes and a book with the other twelve.

"All hail to the Emperor" said Bloobus to the console operator, saluting with his least withered arm/tentacle. "Good book?"

"And may your genitals be forever clean" replied the subordinate correctly returning the salute and farting pink gas as a sign of respect to his Commander. "Yes, it’s a dissertation on organ-scraping by the Emperor himself" he continued.

"I'll never understand these youngsters and their fads. When I was young the "in-thing" was having one’s brain pierced – then they banned it when some kid’s head burst." Bloobus shivered as he recalled the story.

"Yuk." Said the console operator – who didn't have a name because he couldn't afford the maintenance costs.

"So, do we have an Earth specimen?" asked Bloobus, getting back to business.

"Oh yes Commander, the transporter grabbed us an excellent example of an Earth native. I've had it moved to the science area already."

"Excellent" replied Bloobus, his normally green skin flushing mauve and then rippling like waves on a beach. Three of his hands rubbed together vigorously and the other two tweaked his seventeen nipples erect with excitement. "Flight crew stand down!" he shouted, leaving the bridge in a hurry in a whoosh of pink farts.

As the elevator door slid shut behind him, the three members of the main flight crew ritually killed each other with gunshots to their heads. The three reserve crew members who, up until this point had been merely responsible for maintaining orbit moved to take their positions, first ensuring that their predecessors’ remains were chopped up and flushed down into the sluice gates under the seats. As they did this, the Deputy Commander rippled over to the storage locker at the side of the main viewscreen and prepared to add some growslime to a new set of reserve flight personnel for their next but one journey, tutting to himself at the routine of it all…

* * *

Science Officer Vengar was supremely bored. This was not always a bad thing, in fact he had won the Hiktonn League’s Boredom Challenge now for three hundred years in a row, but right now he could have done without the Boredom because he was trying desperately to be Interested instead. Interested in the specimen that had been sent to him for examination.

It wasn't working though. Ever since he had gambled away Jealousy in a drunken game of J’Hac, Boredom was the only emotion Vengar had left to him.

He longed to be able to find the money to exchange the emotion for something more exciting - Sexual Magnetism would have done him nicely, but that one was expensive. So, he was stuck with Boredom – which was now his defining characteristic. Obviously.

Thus it was that Commander Bloobus found Vengar in a heap on the floor of the isolation area – being thoroughly Bored. Not Miserable, because he didn't own that one, just Bored.

"All hail to the Emperor" said Bloobus, flashing his sphincter at Vengar.

"Whatever" said Vengar, trying desperately to leak through the gaps in the floor panels to hide.

"Oh, for Frak's sake – get a GRIP!" shouted the Commander, kicking Vengar in the guts with a sharpened foot he reserved especially for such occasions.

"I'm sorry Commander" lied Vengar – he had sold Sorrow a long, long time ago for a bottle of neat Snach, "I just can't be bothered any more".

Bloobus looked around nervously and then bent down to his comrade. His spine broke in three places as he did so, but that was OK because he had a spare one upstairs. Placing his best arm/tentacle on his Science Officer’s head, he closed three of his eyes and spun his own head around rhythmically.

Suddenly, Vengar could feel something new inside his brain. It was…it was…it was…PASSING INTEREST!!

He stood up, his skin glowing bright violet and overexposing several rare slides of film on the shelves of the lab’

"Commander – how can I thank you?" he said – rubbing his arms/tentacles all over Bloobus’ many thighs.

"Just don't tell anyone I've been giving emotions away or they'll ALL want one" replied the Commander, knowing full well that what he had just done was highly illegal. What the hell, Passing Interest wasn't an expensive one anyway and as he already had the full Interest package, he would hardly miss it.

"Now, tell me about the alien" he ordered, rubbing his lesser penis with a slimy foot and wishing he hadn't eaten that entire plate of circuit boards earlier on in the day.

"Well, I haven't actually seen it in the flesh yet, but it’s clearly from an advanced culture. The machines pulled this item of clothing off of it" Vengar produced a thin strip of material from his main stomach pouch and wiped the semi-digested food from it. He passed the sodden item to his Commander.

As Bloobus examined the material, he could see that it was clearly machine-made and dyed a most interesting colour. A plastic clip on one end was obviously intended to mate with the counterpart on the other side – whatever species made this item they must have had nimble fingers, opposable thumbs and intelligence. A metal attachment rattled as he turned the item over to look at the underside.

Vengar pulled a readout from a nearby printer. "We also scanned the interior of the specimen – it has two lungs, two kidneys, one liver – not sure how it can survive with just the one – a heart and a brain in two segments".

"TWO segments?" exclaimed the Commander incredulously. "Imagine how clever these creatures must be!!"

"Indeed" replied Vengar. He started to talk faster, he could feel the Passing Interest beginning to fade. That was the trouble with cheap-rate sample emotions, you never got true functionality out of them. He would probably be Interested in something entirely different in a few minutes. Perhaps he could sell Passing Interest for a sample of Sexual Magnetism – now there was a thought…

"…and here’s the interesting bit…" he continued "…there is evidence of internal surgery – the machine says the scans picked up scar tissue and cauterisation wounds connected with the reproductive system".

"Evidence of a collaborative nature and the sort of culture where one of the species helps another" mused the Commander. "They also must have some kind of social conscience if they are limiting their reproduction – perhaps they are overpopulated. Ha! That won't be a problem when we've finished with them – eh Vengar?"

But Vengar had wandered off and was investigating a small pool of sticky goo on the wall.

Bloobus shook his head and rippled over to the second door in the isolation area. Grabbing Vengar by the teeth and pulling him over to the door, the two Hiktonnians entered their security codes…and the door slid open.

Inside the brilliant whiteness of the isolation area itself, the specimen sat on a large metal bench in the centre of the room. It looked up at them with its two eyes and studied them intently.

"Greetings, we are from the planet Hiktonn" said Bloobus, bending over and expelling massive amounts of pink fart from his anus.

"Meow" said the specimen, licking itself.

* * *

"For the last time, WHAT IS THIS ITEM FOR?!!"

Section Leader Hirokuss had never been a subtle Hiktonnian – one of the many reasons he had chosen to join the Secret Police rather than go into politics on the Homeworld of the Hiktonn Empire.

Placed aboard the H’artAveno as the resident Security Administrator, Hirokuss had found himself interrogating a most diverse range of species from the many planets the scoutship had visited.

But this particular species was proving to be a tough one.

For forty-eight hours Hirokuss and his team of two had been questioning the specimen about the military potential of Earth’s defences – but nothing was working. They had tried everything.

Initially, simple interrogation had failed because of the language barrier. The vast machines on the scoutship were completely useless when it came to deciphering the strange yowls of the Earth creature.

The next stage was a relatively simple attempt at shock tactics – a Hiktonn warrior had been summoned and invited to point his assault laser right at the face of the creature to try and make it see sense and co-operate. The Hiktonnians had been disappointed therefore to see the creature simply rub its face and neck over the gun barrel contemptuously.

Under approval from Commander Bloobus, who was becoming increasingly irritated at the lack of progress, the Hiktonnian interrogation team then proceeded to lock the specimen in a room with a horde of killer mice from the planet Gerbillus – something no Hiktonn could have endured for long. The creature had simply emerged with a large grin on its face having exterminated all the mice. In fact it had eaten most of them and then proceeded to be sick over the Commander’s shoes.

Next, the team had resorted to unlocking the chemical warfare storage area of the ship. Removing the most lethal chemical known to Hiktonn science, they had left the specimen in the isolation lab’ with a bowl of deadly lactic fluid from the nuclear cows of Bovine Three – a chemical substance that would kill the hardiest Hiktonnian warrior in mere nanoseconds. The creature had survived. And not just survived, but had actually consumed the substance entirely and begged for more.

These were all practices long since forbidden in all civilised cultures around the galaxy, but Hiktonns had never given a flying Frak about the public opinion of other races and were quite willing to flout the rules if it meant the conquest of another planet for the Empire.

Eventually, they had resorted to the most abhorrent torture of all, they had placed the specimen in the airlock where the full power of the sun’s rays came in through the window. After two hours of this torture, something no Hiktonnian could ever have withstood (for they had translucent skin), they had found the creature lying on the floor right in a patch of sunlight, making a rhythmic humming noise to itself.

"Frak!! It’s singing to itself!!" Hirokuss had exclaimed before marching off to his quarters to sulk.

So Hirokuss had gone back to interrogation – nothing else was working and he hoped to break the will of the specimen before the Hiktonn invasion fleet arrived. He had strapped the creature to a chair and stood over it menacingly as other crewmembers watched from the edges of the room.

"WHAT IS IT FOR?!?!?!?" he yelled, holding up the item of clothing that had been removed from the creature when it had arrived. The creature looked up at him and blinked affectionately. Hirokuss threw the item to the floor and the metal attachment jangled as it hit the metal deck plating.

"This creature is taking the Frak out of me!!" he yelled in the direction of Commander Bloobus who was leaning casually against the drinks machine. His lesser penis was inserted into the dispenser and he quickly swallowed the gutful of Jefgri Juice before replying to his security advisor.

"Try shining a light on it – it worked during the war" suggested Bloobus helpfully. He didn't expect it to work for a moment, but Hirokuss’ was amusing him with his failing attempts to extract information.

Hirokuss slithered over to the cabinets on the wall plating and removed from one of them a large spotlight. Reaching over with three arms/tentacles he plugged it in whilst simultaneously switching it on with another arm/tentacle and swinging it towards the creature’s face.

In defiance the creature merely yowled at him and he watched in amazement as its pupils contracted down to dark slits. It stared right at the light – almost through the light and right at HIM.

"FRAAAAAKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed, throwing the spotlight to the floor and collapsing in to a gibbering heap of green. Hirokuss shook in anger as he lay there on the floor – would nothing work with this Earth being?

"Prrrrr" said the creature, to no one in particular, and as Bloobus watched in amazement, it twisted itself out of its bonds and jumped down to the floor. It arched its back, stretched its legs and walked over to Hirokuss where it began to lick him in sympathy. Security guards leapt into action – but it was too late…

"Get off me!!" shouted the Security Chief, throwing the creature away and rubbing his arm/tentacle where the specimen’s rough tongue had touched and scraped him. Suddenly he didn't feel too well – clearly the creature had some kind of inbuilt weapons system.

In a puff of blue and pink methane smoke – Hirokuss exploded without warning. The other crewmembers ducked to the floor as green and pink flesh was splattered all over the wall plates. There was a rather interesting smell as huge lumps of Hirokuss flew past Bloobus’ head and adhered to the drinks machine.

"RED ALERT!!" screamed the Commander, farting pink and lilac gas and flashing his anus at the other members of the crew in attendance. "Find the specimen!" His major penis whirled around in panic, his nipples all fell off and slime sweated from his skin – if the creature could somehow escape from its bonds – what else was it capable of?

He frantically looked around for the Earth creature – and in horror realised the door was open. They hadn't bothered to lock it, partly because the creature had been tied down, partly because Vengar had been on door duty and had lost Interest.

This was very, very bad….

* * *

Bloobus had headed back to the Bridge, leaving the search to the troops on the lower levels. He had to get a signal to the fleet – tell them not to come. These strange creatures with only four legs and two brain segments were obviously far too powerful to be trifled with.

Having had the navigator plot a course far from the Earth and with the ship now in a holding orbit around the large ringed planet in the outer areas of the system, Bloobus watched as the flight crew efficiently executed each other and were replaced by the standby crew. As the remains were washed down through the grille into the sluice gates, his Deputy Commander went to extract the next batch of flight crew – but when he opened the door to the lifecells, the container was empty.

"Errr, Commander?" asked the Deputy – holding up the empty container and nervously emitting a strange yellow mist from his backside.

"You ought to get that seen to" said Bloobus, blasting out a fart of purest pink and pointing at it with his favourite arm/tentacle. "That’s the colour it ought to be…"

"Yes Sir, however – I was trying to show you this…" the Deputy walked over to the Commander’s chair.

"EMPTY?! HOW?"

"I'm not sure…"

"Meow"

There was a deadly silence only broken by a nervous fart from the console operator who didn't have a name at the back of the bridge.

Eventually, Bloobus spoke.

"Who said that? Who said "Meow"? Come on – own up…" demanded Bloobus, swivelling around in his chair and turning a nasty shade of puce. But his fears were confirmed as he saw…

…strolling nonchalantly out from behind the flight console, the Earth creature looked up at him and licked its lips. Its whiskers were covered in the green jelly of the lifecells it had obviously just eaten.

Bloobus watched in horror as the creature jumped up onto the flight console and proceeded to lick one of the new flight crew – who promptly exploded.

"Get it out of here!" yelled the Commander, grabbing the control intercom "full alert, intruder on the Bridge!!"

But it was too late – the creature was too busy peeing on the flight console and no-one was willing to risk exploding to stop it. With a sudden explosion of sparks and smoke, the H’artAveno lurched, throwing the remaining Bridge crew to one side.

With multiple cries of "Frak", "Frakking Hell" and "What the Frakking Frak?", the Bridge crew were hurled about as the ship H’artAveno threatened to break itself apart. The Earth creature, clinging on for its life, had clawed it’s way through the main switches on the console and was being thrashed about violently by the actions of the H’artAveno as she careered through space and toward the ringed planet below.

"Abandon ship!!" yelled Bloobus, wrenching open a sliding door with his extendible Emergency Arms/Tentacles and hurrying everyone into the slidetube that led to the escape pod.

All over the ship, Hiktonnians followed suit, evacuating their beloved scoutship H’artAveno as quickly as they could.

With a whoosh of compressed air, the large escape pod flung itself from the side of the scout vessel, and into an asteroid.

Where it exploded.

On the Bridge of the main ship, the Earth creature had somehow activated the inertial stabiliser, and the scout vessel was now sailing serenely through space once again. Like nothing had ever happened.

* * *

Apparently oblivious to the disaster she had just caused, the cat finished washing herself, and looked around at the abandoned Bridge of the H’ artAveno.

She jumped up onto the central flight control chair, slipping slightly on the greasy stain left by the previous occupant, and leant on the console where she flicked a switch. The crackle of radio static filled the air.

"Commander Tibbles to Earth Control. Commander Tibbles to Earth Control."

There was a brief pause before the main viewscreen flickered into life and the image of an elderly black and white feline appeared. Huge banks of computerised equipment could be seen behind him and cat technicians hurried about in the distance.

"Earth Control here, this is General Garfield speaking, please report".

"Alien ship now under my control. All aliens have been eliminated".

"Jolly good show old girl. Bring her on home. The assault force is ready. Your ship will be the vanguard of our revenge attack".

"Affirmative".

And with a deft flick of her tail, Tibbles grabbed the controls and prepared to take the good ship H’artAveno back to a hero’s welcome…

*****

An extract from "Persecution Complex" by Andrew John Summersgill, Copyright © 1999.