The kitties are intent on self destruction.

1. They risk being sat on. They have selected the best chairs in the place as their favourite spots. Bonnie's coat is the same colour as the cushions in the hanging patio chairs. The shriek sounds through the room, "look out, you're going to sit on the kitten." Heart-stopping reaction - bottom poised in mid-air over kitty.

Solution. Keep away from their favourite chairs.

2. They risk being trodden on. Bonnie likes bare feet and toes turn her on. If you don't squash her flat by wrong foot movements you squash her flat by falling on her.

Solution. Always wear shoes.

3. They risk being cut in half by a closing door. Both kittens regard any doors as special challenges. They race through as the door closes leaving a head or half a body on the other side. More heart-stopping stuff.

Solution. Close all doors gently, double check doors that can crash shut suddenly when a gust of wind catches them. Put stoppers in front of doors to keep them open.

4. They are liable to eat plastic bags, string, and anything threaded through needles on a pin-cushion. Also they will lap anything that is drinkable.

Solution. Remove all plastic bags, pin-cushions, wool, string, shoe laces. Be vigilant. Remember, no matter how careful you are they will always find something edible. Put away all household cleaners. Shut all cupboard doors.

5. They want to play in the tapes that secure the bottoms of the full-length vertical Venetian blinds. My sister's kitty got the tapes from her vertical blinds wound around its neck. She got to the kitty in time but it was limp and almost strangled.

Solution. Tie back all blinds in a bundle with string. Be prepared to let the neighbours and passers have fun by watching the goings-on in your blindless house.

6. The want to hide in the mechanical works of the Lazy Boy reclining chairs. Should anyone sit in the chairs and press the button to flick the chair out - result, mangled kitties.

Solution. Never pull out reclining chairs.

7. They are brilliant climbers and can now get to anything you leave on the kitchen bench. Flounder bones are particularly attractive and could easily get stuck in their throats or puncture their insides.

Solution. Reform yourself into being a tidy person. Never leave scraps on bench or elsewhere. Never leave your own food unattended, even for a second.

8. Bonnie wants to get into the hot stove when the door is open for grilling. She can smell food cooking and doesn't know about burnt paws. She is utterly determined and has been caught almost ready to jump in.

Solution. Don't grill anything.

My next tale will be "How to Keep Humans Safe from Kittens".

Copyright © Beverley Dunlop
February 12, 2003