Flippy's Cat Page - Kitty Taboos

KITTY TABOOS

This is a list of things we should NOT do when the cats are around.
After all, we really should know better!

Head to the food bin. The sound of the bag rustling is an alert for a ball of fur to instantaneously mold to your feet as you try to reach the food dish.

Open the dishwasher. In doing so, it entices the kitty to think she has to help you. She does this by climbing into the dishwasher and laying across any and all dishes that she can reach. What dishes she can't reach by laying on, she must sniff and lick (thus ensuring cleanliness I'm sure).

Open a door. If you open a door, be prepared to see a flash of lightning headed straight for said open door. Only to have said lightning later realize she is unable to get in the house thus ensuring constant whining and paw under the door measures until door is reopened.

Clean. Cleaning involves movement and movement means playtime..expect all trash bags to be emptied of their contents, dust rags will disappear and feet will be chased.

by Lia Simcox

Pack Moving Boxes. Moving boxes mean scary trips in big metal monsters [cars or trucks, to humans] and new places. Felix tried hiding the packing tape last time we packed up for a move. This backfired, since I simply bought another one, and having two meant boxes got packed even faster, much to his very visible disgust.

by Seanette Blaylock

Never acknowledge the underbred mongrel kitty who has summed us up as suckers and comes to us for meals. Fatty *Humphs* at the lounge window and then tears around to the bedroom window to *HUMPH* some more and get a better view of the interloper. Repeat this all night if necessary. He can hold out as long as the stray kitty and so can his voice box. The girls Lilah and Ming, are a little more refined. They shriek like banshees!!! Again, all night if that's what it takes! It is so much easier to just go feed the little ginger kitty down the back and stuff a blanket in through the window of my daughter's broken car and show her how to use it.

Sex is also out. Lilah is quite happy to stay IN the bed during and after, and it doesn't bother her as long as she gets to keep the covers. Fatty and Ming have to be removed forcibly. They like to get up close and personal and check things right out. Kinda takes the spontaneity out of things... but then, that happened when we had our first child. The cats are simply carrying on the tradition.

by Jo Gray

Read. Don't you know that if only she had thumbs, Winston would be the most literate cat in the world? She is insanely jealous of those who can read.

Eat ice cream. You'd better put a scoop in a bowl for Winston, too. Or else.

by Richel

Try to knit. My two tried to help, one on each needle.

Eat popcorn. Unless you are prepared to share.

Leave empty cardboard boxes around. You need to check inside before you throw them out.

Have pot plants on the floor. They make ideal litter trays.

by Tini Gruner

Nylon Stockings. Unless you are looking to bring back the 80's tattered Madonna look, don't even think about it.

Closed doors. This is where the desperately adorable kitty-arm-reach-under-the-door comes into play (insert guilt here).

Kisses. They hate them. I love them. But, I'm bigger.

by Ina Gher

Eat Rasberry Crumb Cake. They'll try to whack it out of you hand!

by Krohnmfk

Try to floss your teeth! Bella insists on trying to help me by grabbing the ends, and when I'm done she tries to run away with the floss!

by Laurie Rolan

Call Cletus "Dumbass". He knows exactly what that means and does not like it.

Eat french-fries. Gumbo WILL try to grab them from you.

Leave a basket of clothes unattended. They will sleep in them, and Gumbo leaves his long cat hair all over everything.

Open the lunch meat drawer in the fridge. They think it's for them.

Brush Gumbo. He huddles in the corner and growls.

Move your feet under the blankets. Unless you want Sadie to attack them.

Grab a cat by the scruff when there's a dog around. Believe me, I have scratch scars on my arm to prove my point...

by Jennifer Stafford

Have sex. Winter meows and meows when we have sex, then when we get up she bites our feet.

Sleep. Winter plays all night with her balls and keeps us up all night.

Leave toilet paper alone in the bathroom. Kitty shreds everything that resembles toilet paper.

Eat potato chips. Must share with kitty.

by Heather V.

Have posters on the wall. Aerr Aerr insists that he must slash it down immediately with lots of paw batting; the blacklight poster collection is evil hippie propaganda! after all... Or just makes a neat noise when he bats at it.

Read and cuddle my mate simultaneously, for that would take three arms; one to hold up the book, one to cuddle my mate, and the third for Waa to sit on and purr... I have but two arms. The book always loses.

Refuse to clean the litterbox RIGHT NOWWWWWWW (upon pain of Waa-bitten ankles) whilst mate and I are in the midst of unspeakable perversities. Which - after the lingering olfactory effects accruing from the act of the two of us scooping out bag of smelly dirt, washing the litter receptacle, and tossing liner full of used litter into the apartment complex garbage pail - just don't seem quite as compelling as they had been when we were smelling like our own pheromones a few moments earlier. (Thankfully this situation can be corrected by a bath and some very effective but unmentionable herbal remedies.)

by Demitria Monde

Candles. Leaving candles alight on a table when Her Furryness is in the room, is about as safe as giving 7-year-old child a flamethrower.

by Jari Vuoksenranta

Buying the low calorie version of Iams. They will go on a hunger strike if you feed them the wrong food.

by Bill Chandler

Buy cat food which is a different brand from the one you normally buy. My girls LOVE Fancy Feast's tuna supreme with prawns; but they won't touch Snappy Tom's version.

Buy homebrand products. The girls feel very offended to think that one's parent could humiliate one in this manner. What would the neighbouring cats say if they found cheap cat food tins in the garbage?

Read a newspaper alone.

Solve crosswords in the newspaper alone. Surely you must realise you are a lessor being and you need assistance!!

Use a computer without supervision. One of the girls has to sit on the top of the monitor - the other has to help you move the mouse.

Watch something other than Harry's Practice on Sunday nights.

by Heather Bridge

Decorate a tree for the holidays. Our Christmas tree no longer gets lights or the "old" ornaments, just bells and cat toys. We set it up and just let them have it for climbing practice.

by Doug & Julie Swisher

Play Scrabble. What happens when you manage to put something like "quixotic" over a treble word score square? One guess permitted.

Close doors. Wherever you are, whenever you are there, Cat is on the other side of the door - without access to the litter box.

Wash bathroom mat. Clean, white mats on top of under floor heating make purrfect furball deposit sites.

by Magnhild Kvernmo

Use the telephone. You appear to be talking to yourself so you must be either lonely or going insane (or both), and therefore in need of instant and insistent very close company. The best position to treat the problem is in a squat position directly under your chin, with simultaneous application of a deafening purr. If this first strategy doesn't work, the cause of the problem must be attacked and eliminated forthwith. This involves demolishing the springy cord thing stretching between your hand and the instrument of insanity, and depressing every button on the phone in rapid succession. If you try to interfere with this treatment you need to be discouraged tooth and claw (for your own good), until you come to your senses and relinquish the phone.

Leave any portion of the television guide visible and/or accessible. The TV guide is evil. It must be reduced to confetti-sized shreds without delay! Remain ever-vigilant for each new spawning of the TV guide, and destroy!

Lay a pattern and cut fabric for dress-making. "What a great game Mum! This is fantastic fun... let's get a closer look at those flashing, sharp silver things, and then I'll help you re-position the material. Wow....I've never seen you do this before!" Yeah well, there's a good reason for that actually...

Hang a mosquito curtain over the bed for that 'country heritage' look. Just, don't even go there - unless of course, you want the opportunity to see what a cat looks when it has detected the greatest, supernatural evil to arise in the history of infinity - and watch the inexhaustible efforts to extinguish the monster.

by Anne J. Seebach

Vacuum. They disappear when I'm using the growl-monster (i.e. vacuum cleaner), but as soon as I'm done they roll around on the carpet replacing the cat fur I just cleaned up. Since my carpets are salmon pink and my kitties are black/grey/brown tabbies, it shows up rather nicely.

Make the bed or change the sheets. It's a cat's duty to cling to the sheets with all their might so that they can't be removed.

Use the can opener for anything other than cat food. Every kitty I've ever known comes running at the sound of the can opener and gives me the nastiest look when it turns out to be something they're not going to get.

Fold clean laundry. That laundry doesn't smell like them and isn't covered in cat fur. It must be left in a pile so the kitties can sleep on it to give it their "purrsonal touch".

Apply makeup. You're ignoring the kitties and they will let you know it's not acceptable by head-butting your arm just as you're about to put on mascara, etc.

by Bev Hudema

*Any* bead-related craft. "What happens if I put my paw on the edge of this bowl? Ooh! Wheee! Hey, why's Mum jumping up and down and yowling and looking unhappy? Can't she see the pretty sparklies all over the floor?"

Any handsewing. (I *swear*, I only looked away for a minute. When I looked back, there's Clovis licking his lips, and my needle is nowhere to be found. I desperately grab him, and sit down to look at his mouth. I leap up again swearing as my missing needle enters my right buttock. Clovis leaps away, and I just *know* he's laughing at me.)

Eat.

Sleep.

by Siobhan Motherway

Read the newspaper. (Mom *needs* a paperweight to keep the pages from flying away, she just doesn't know it.)

Study on the couch. (Mom should know that sitting on the couch is the only time I will deign to sit on her lap, therefore when she's on the couch she *wants* me to do so.)

Sleep-in on the weekends past the usual weekday wake-up time of 5:00AM. (This will not do.)

Keep the wall near the food bowl clean. (It's a matter of pride to see just how far up the wall a cat can spray food (and here's the tricky part - make stick) to the wall.

Deposit a ball of wadded up paper in a small wastepaper basket. (Mom knows full well that paper balls present a clear and present danger to all and sundry. It is a cat's job to retrieve and destroy them.)

by Carmen

Poop

Pee if you're male. Basho's gotten his ears wet a couple of times.

Have sex.

Work on the computer.

by Victor Martinez

Have Sex. Tanada is a voyeur. The other cats want to help out.

Work on the computer. This is where Tanada wants to help out, by sitting on the keyboard while I'm trying to write up lesson plans or classroom reports. Berfert only wants to help out by laying down on the chair whenever I start to think about getting on the computer.

Use the bathroom. I'm sitting, therefore I'm lonely and need a cat on my lap.

Shave, if you're a male. Rob says they love to watch him shave. They must think that anyone TRYING to remove the fur on their face is strange enough to become a spectator sport.

Cook. If someone is in the kitchen, that must mean that FOOD is on the way. This is really important, especially on spaghetti night.

by Pam Shirk

Wrap packages. Why on earth does the human gets so annoyed when the best toy of the year comes out?

by Karen Chuplis

Watch TV. This means I am not paying enough attention to Panther. If I have time to sit around and watch TV, I have enough time to play with him, so he will sit on the arm of my chair, where he can nicely block my view of the screen, until I get the message. No matter how many times I put him on the floor or on my lap, he *always* ends up sitting in front of me. My husband says he should have been called Boomerang--no matter how many times you throw him away, he always comes back.

Use the computer. For some reason, my left arm is much more comfortable when I'm trying to type with it.

Clean the litterbox. I *always* seem to do that just when he needs to use it!

by Jan Russell

Pack for a trip with your rollaway carryons! Guaranteed one or more meatloaves will be parked on folded clothes and very difficult to remove!

Head for kitchen sink for any reason. This is a signal for Maluce to park at foot of sink, give pitiful cry (translated: I want drinkie!), and leap gracefully into the stainless steel sink (talk about "plonk"ll- more like "ba-da BOMM") and glare meaningfully at me, waiting to have water spout turned on just so to fast drip, so she can tilt her little Tonk head and lap to heart's content. In the meantime, whatever *I* wanted with the sink will *wait*....

Get dressed for work in medical scrubs. If left on bed, meatloaves will christen with contrasting fur color, sure to draw attention from coworkers (by maintaining distance, can keep patients from noticing!)

by Maskvcat

Crocheting/knitting/plastic canvas. If it involves directions lying near me, there'll be 16 pounds of stripy fur ON the directions! He's also been known to grab yarn [the yarn actually in use at the time, natch] and chew on it until it's soaked with kitty spit [and soggy acrylic yarn is NOT fun to crochet with, thanks!]. He also steals small equipment. When I took the cushions off the loveseat a few months ago to move it, I found a needle threader or two, a pair of scissors, and the crochet hook I was using for an in-progress item.

Use the bathroom. Felix doesn't climb into my lap, but plasters himself to my legs, power-purring the whole time. If I'm feeling a bit ignored by the cat, about all I have to do is head for the bathroom. Once enthroned, I'm guaranteed kitty attention.

by Seanette Blaylock

Walk into the kitchen! Who needs to cook? Just walking into the kitchen for any reason is an obvious invitations for cats to come get wonderful treats - and demand them loudly if they aren't immediately forthcoming.

by Joy Gaylord

Spread out a piece of material for pillow covers on the bed to measure them. The cloth poses a deadly threat to both Meowmie and cats, and must be demolished ASAP, which Frank proceeded to do. He attacked it from atop, tunnelled under it and bit and kicked it from there.

Clean the litterbox. When I go to clean the litterboxes, Frank follows me and swears at me for being a lazy slave and not cleaning them often enough. When I have cleaned them, he tries to use them before I have had time to refill them.

by Marina Kurten

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