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These are the "Christmas Letters" my parents have sent out the last two years. They are written by their cat, Loki, and are hysterical. Enjoy!Aim
Merry Christmas 2000
I must begin at the beginning. The little old lady's death put me in a tough spot. With the choice of moving out into the cold or taking a one-way trip to the humane society my future was looking bleak. Feeling that I had little to lose, I set out to explore the neighborhood for food and a place to curl up for my afternoon nap. With all those raccoons, way too many neighborhood dogs, and every other house with a very inhospitable Cat of their own, I was becoming depressed and a bit cranky. Then it happened.
I spotted this lady working in her beautiful flower garden and I decided to have a closer look. Not knowing her raccoon/dog/ inhospitable Cat status, I moved cautiously. I found a great vantage point in behind her roses and I curled up for a bit of re-con work. What a worker -- weeding, planting and spreading mulch! The front door opened unexpectedly and a man appeared - I found out later that he was taking a break from his important golf watching work. He gave the nice, hard working lady (he called her Elaine) a word of encouragement, and went back inside to watch his golf. He was thoughtful, I thought, not to interrupt her work. This was my first introduction to Captain Hal - my hero and after whom I am now named.
One afternoon a few days later, Captain Hal came home from work and saw me sitting on their front porch before I scooted back behind Hard Working Elaine's roses, but he didn't say anything. A few minutes later Captain Hal came out on the front step and looked around. He spotted me and started with the dumbest bunch of questions I've ever heard. "Whose cat are you? Are you lost? Are you hungry?" I remember thinking that this bozo was going to take a lot of patience to train. My god - cats don't "belong" to anyone, are never "lost" - but I was hungry. A short time later Captain Hal arrived home with a bag of the most delicious Cat food I've ever ignored for exactly the proper amount of time before wolfing it. The chances of me leaving Captain Hal and Hard Working Elaine's front porch was rapidly approaching zero. A few days later, after getting used to an always-full dinner bowl, and after I personally witnessed a litter box, more food and a scratching post being moved in to what is now my powder room, I allowed myself to be enticed into my new home to spend the night. The rest, as they say, is history.
Given the fullness of time and after careful observation, it became clear to me that I had misjudged Captain Hal rather badly. I now believe that he should be promoted to Colonel or even perhaps General Hal, but my opinion may be tainted by hero worship. I am simply in awe of this human, living the life of the most pampered cat, who, unlike me can get up from his nap, go over to the refrigerator pick out anything he wants to nibble on and then warm it in the microwave to a temperature that's perfect for him. When his food gathering is finished he heads back to his napping spot to enjoy his catch.
After about six weeks, I was considered by all who know our family to be Captain Hal's assistant. For instance: when Hard Working Elaine slips into her role as Supreme Commander and puts Captain Hal to work, I am able to take over his duties. Since he and I have almost exactly the same nap schedule, have a love for watching golf, the CNN channel and West Wing on Wednesday nights, I can pinch-hit for him at almost a moments notice.
Regrettably, I have not been able to establish the same close bond with Hard Working Elaine. She never sits still long enough for even a Cat-nap on her lap. Captain Hal does most of the cooking as she is busy with preparing for her company board and shareholder meetings and producing the company marketing materials. During the week she is gone all day long! And then on the weekends she is often in classes preparing for her advanced Orthopedic Manual Therapy credential. She seems happy being so busy, and since these activities don't seem to disturb Captain Hal's important routine, I'm also willing to live and let live.
The one interruption to routine that both Captain Hal and Hard Working Elaine seem to like is visits from either Amy and her boyfriend Eric or Blake and his fiancée Carolyn. Captain Hal and Hard Working Elaine clearly love them all and I have come to love them all too, but to be perfectly honest, I love some of them more than the others. I'll give you a rundown:
Blake - is in his senior year at the University of Washington finishing up his course work for his bachelor's degree in mechanical engineering. He is soft spoken and has a very gentle touch with me. I like being held by him. I do not like the fact that he is the one who cuts my nails, but I must admit, he is fast and painless. I also heard that Blake asked Carolyn to marry him right after he graduates. She said "yes" and Captain Hal and Hard Working Elaine are very excited about adding this very special daughter to the family.
Carolyn - my favorite 'cause she works all day long (Army Corps of Engineers) protecting little fish, just got a big promotion at work. (I think I heard that she's now in charge of some big fish too - all the better!). She spends a lot of time figuring out how to keep fishermen, power companies, loggers and business owners happy with the water levels and the number of dams blocking the rivers. All this while ensuring enough fish for those of us with refined tastes. I sure hope they pay her a lot 'cause the job seems impossible.
Amy - my co-favorite, brought me the most wonderful selection of toy mice and a bag of catnip as a get-acquainted gift. She is the one they call when they have 'unsolvable' computer problems. 'Unsolvable' does not seem to be in Amy's computer vocabulary. She has been working for the past year at Microsoft as a software test engineer, which she loves, and seems to have found her niche. She is very happy living in her condo in Bellevue with her two cats that she rescued from the shelter in August. She is also very much in love with her boyfriend, Eric.
Eric - is so tender with Amy and fits right in the family. He loves (padded) Medieval sword fighting and entertained us all Thanksgiving weekend with a match with Captain Hal that reminded him that he is no longer as young and quick as he thought he was. In his job he makes big computer systems talk to other big computer systems. He must be good at it, because he has just been selected for an exclusive training job. We all love him and think he is a very good partner for Amy.
Captain Hal has been hard at work this year - besides taking care of me - helping to design a commercial real estate web site in addition to all his 'regular work'. It will be ready to go on line in the next few months and I'm sure he will send you all the site address. He and Blake had a very large project this summer putting in several retainer walls at the back of the yard and preparing to build a new deck next spring. Hard Working Elaine was so excited because it made room for some more flower beds that she has already planted.
I have not met all of you yet, but after meeting and liking a lot of you I think I would really like to meet the rest of you. And, as Captain Hal and Hard Working Elaine seem to have a very civilized "Open Door" policy regarding hungry strays, I'm sure you will be welcome if you care to visit.
Merry Christmas and Warmest Holiday Wishes.
Love,
"Captain Hal's Good Cat Loki " - Loki to my friends
Copyright © Aim
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