Dear Juliet,

Sorry for not writing for so long. The slave has been busy, and I have also been. But that doesn't mean I do not think of you, and find myself wistfully thinking how much nicer it would be to stay with you at the moment than being up here. Sharing a house with your brother Romeo, and your slave Flippy, would be so much nicer than the conditions I am currently facing.

Things up here are very difficult at the moment. When the horrible smelly drooling creature came to live with us, I thought life couldn't get much worse. Meowmie doesn't pay me as much attention as before, and the stupid smelly drooling thing kept trying to shove its snout up my bottom.

But I have realised of late that the stupid smelly drooling thing is really not that bad. There are worse things that could happen to a cat. Like two more stupid smelly drooling things moving in with us. One of the creatures, the sort that walks on two legs, smells a bit like Paw. Meowmie & Paw refer to it as Daniel when they are being polite and Ratboy when they're not. I am guessing by the smell and looks of him that he's a close relation of Paw's, possibly a brother but not a littermate. I don't like him because he roughs me up a lot and tries to stroke me backwards. He has no idea how to scritch me and doesn't worship me in the proper manner. You have *no* idea how much time I spend getting my fur just right after he messes it all up, and then the sod comes up and messes it all up again. But if *that* wasn't bad enough, he brought an even stupider smelly drooling growling woofing creature with him.

This other stupid smelly drooling woofy thing has a head the size of a large pumpkin and a very ungainly tail, almost like a rat. This is the one that showed me that the first stupid smelly thing isn't that bad. **MY** stupid smelly drooling thing likes to play chase with me, and whines and howls to attract the attention of the slaves when I want out of the food room. I suspect that, unlike us dignified creatures, the mad trail thrashing she does when she sees me is not a sign of aggression, but a sign of happiness. Who would have thought? And although absolutely disgusting and horrible to bear, the rather cold nose in places I don't like to lick may even be a sign of overall friendliness. At least the first stupid drooling smelly thing knows her place around me, and I could stop it by a carefully aimed paw at her snout. I don't even need my razors-of-death now - just a quick thwack to the nose and the original dumb smelly thing would go back to one of the slaves with its tail between her legs, having learnt that it is not wise to overstep the boundaries in my Kingdom.

I have learnt all this because the smelly thing with the head like a pumpkin doesn't do any of these things. When it first saw me it growled ferociously and, although I had never smelt it before, I am absolutely certain the scent was bloodlust - for me! My goodness!. For the next 10 minutes the two-legged smelly drooling thing known as "Daniel" tried to control the second smelly drooly thing with a head like a pumpkin, but could barely manage it. Paw can *always* wrestle down *my* smelly drooly thing. And Ratboy's smelly drooly thing did not shut up at all! I had to quickly disappear into my safe hidey hole, and the stupid pumpkin head went absolutely berserk. It's now kept out in the backyard on a very impressive looking chain, serves it right, too.

From what I can understand of *my* drooly smelly thing's grotesque language, she likes Ratboy's smelly drooly thing about as much as I do. She even tried to *defend* me against the pumpkin-headed monstrosity. You know, I may start to like her. Also, although it was hard to understand her, she says that the pumpkin headed monstrosity tried to do strange things to her with his *thing*. I don't know what his *thing* is supposed to mean, but I'm guessing its pretty bad. She didn't like it of course, and she says that although she hates doing it, the only way she can deal with the pumpkin-headed terror is to be so submissive to it. Apparently she turns upside down and whimpers every time she sees it, and lets out yucky dog wee to let the pumpkin-headed idiot know that she means no harm - after all, the pumpkin head, she reckons, could take her head off in about two seconds. So she's not as dumb as she usually acts.

You know, Juliet, all things considered, although my own smelly drooling creature is dumb, useless, undignified and very smelly, she isn't that bad. She does after all worship me properly and has proper respect for the pecking order most of the time. When she gets out of line, all I have to do these days is raise a paw or hiss, and she knows straight away that I am *not* amused. I haven't had to use my razor-sharp claws of death for a long time. I'm not suggesting we will ever be friends (perish the thought!) but I promised the Mothership that if they could find a way to get rid of the pumpkin headed atrocity that has no respect for previously claimed territory and has no idea who is really running the show, I would suffer to share my kingdom with my own stupid smelly drooling thing. Mind you, I wouldn't complain if she left either, but in the scheme of things, I'd much prefer her cold wet nose up my bottom every day for the rest of my life than even once having Pumpkin Head's cavernous maw chomping down my precious, dainty neck.

Purrs to Romeo and your slaves,

Love and washes,
Shmoggleberry xxx

Copyright © Vicky Chapman