Mrrp Juliet!

Sorry I haven't replied sooner. The humans haven't been sitting in front of the computer at the same time as I've had the opportunity to take over their minds with Meatloaf Meditation. Its getting harder and harder to have some quiet time to myself because of that rotten horrible smelly vulgar drooling thing that invaded my territory. But hahahaha today she's stuck out in the rain while my two slaves are out and she doesn't have the brains to go into her dry place. I do love looking through the windows while the idiot creature looks so pathetic dripping wet and wanting to come inside. For some reason she thinks that standing at the back door all day will somehow make it open. She doesn't even have kitty telepathy, let alone telekinesis! Heck, even I knew about *closed* doors before I turned 6 months and I *certainly* wouldn't stand out in the rain willing one to open! Perish the thought!

> Chloe can't keep still here so I will have to do all
> the typing. Of course the lil one gets
> away with most things here. Shmogg, you are very
> lucky not sharing with another two mutts. I
> can't seem to get a proper sleep anymore. Romeo
> always has to sleep where I've been molding
> the bed sheets.

Naughty Romeo! Why don't you just smack him one? Or even better, get that Chloe creature to smack him one? If you've got to put up with a young one, you may as well train her early. Actually, even better would be to get Chloe creature to play chases with Romeo so Romeo moves from your precious bedsheets. But the ultimate solution of course, is not to move at all. If you need something just howl at the top of your lungs. That usually brings the great gullumphing slaves running up top speed. I can assure you this technique works really well. And occasionally, just to keep them from figuring you out, just howl for no reason at all. They enjoy catering to your every whim and fancy, otherwise why would they stay?

> Chloe on the other hand has been teaching Romeo
> how to be a good puss. I am still not amused
> with another puss being around the house. Chloe
> is always chasing me! My poor back is aching
> and I can't bare to dfjkgeiuryekjrfjksdgf ....
> "Chloe get away lil mutt I am typing to Shmogg
> here". Sorry about that lil bit of messy typing,
> Chloe is still not good at typing. Don't tell
> Chloe I told you this, but she thinks she knows
> everything.

Just remember the control ritual of hiss-fluff-swat-lick-purr, hiss-fluff-swat-lick-purr and Chloe will slowly come around to your side of things. Eventually Chloe creature will figure out who is Top Cat and act with great reverence if not affection. Remember, she's still young and easily lead astray. If you want to really mess with your slave's head, it helps greatly to have another furperson who is entirely on your side and will obey you without question. Its alright for her to hang around Romeo when you don't want to be bothered, but just make sure she knows who *really* runs the place.

> Shmogg, she stinks like hell and
> she doesn't even groom herself! Ewwww!! Smelly
> Puss!! I can't stand the smell! You know what
> I'm like, I love being clean and of course I love
> being tidy. Hisss! Hisss!

Yuk. But even a messy kitten is still better than one of those smelly horrible vulgar drooling creatures. It *licked* me today. Do you know how long it will take me to remove that stench from my fur? Peee-ewwww.

Can you bear the thought of teaching her how to be a clean and neat and girly kitty like you? She'll never be as beautiful as you are (no-one will ever be as stunning as you in my eyes, even if I did get taken to the vet years ago) but she ought to know proper grooming technique and that has to be taught early on. Keep a stiff upper tongue, my lass, and Chloe may eventually become your protégé.

> I hate it when Romeo messes up my dinner food. I get
> put off eating from my cat bowl. Don't
> know why Romeo has to guts himself so quickly. He
> thinks every dinner time is always a race to
> see who can finish first! But you know what I love
> the most? When Romeo spews all the food up!
> I love watching him *horka-horka-horka*. I think he
> is such a barbarian. Hummph! Ohmigod,
> Romeo has put on so much weight! He's been eating
> Chloe's kitten food and I find it really
> annoying that he is sharing food with her. I can't
> stand the guts eating out of her bowl, it
> puts me off all the time. Ewwwww! Guts! Gutssssss! I
> have just had enough!

My poor, poor Juliet. It really is too much for a such a dignified lady to put up with. I do think its quite funny to think of Romeo with a great udder. I bet he tries to suck it in or explain it away as a sudden sprouting of extra extra long tummy fur but hahahaha its wonderful to see that my rival has turned into a porker. Now, myself, I'm not fat of course, but just plain *solid*. And anything you may see hanging under me is just a genetic thing and has nothing to do with a few extra calories here and there, honest!

> Romeo loves sleeping on me and he thinks I am a
> couch. He always follows me around. He is such
> a shadow! Shmogg are there cats like Romeo over
> there? Romeo always pushes me off the bed and
> it took me ages to warm up my spot. Hissssss! Shmogg
> never invite Romeo for sleep-over party.
> He will do the same thing to you.

The only kitty I'd ever deign to share a sleepy nest with is you, my fair Juliet. I have my Meowmie's favourite cashmere jumper especially put away, just waiting for your sweetest of soft fur to put it to shame...

> Humans can get so loud at times. They always force
> me for cuddles and I can't bare the human
> germs. They are disgusting!! Mama thinks I love her
> cuddles but sometimes I just don't wanna
> be picked up or woken up. It's bad enough that Romeo
> annoys me, I don't need the humans doing it too.

Ahhh, humans. Often the bane of our lives, but we can't live with-out them. My Meowmie will never give me enough strokes when I'm eating my kibble (it doesn't taste good otherwise) and won't allow me to share myself with the neighbours. How mean is that? *And* she actually *kisses* that drooly smelly vulgar thing. Do you think I want those lips anywhere *near* me? I think not! We don't even *mention* that Paw was the one who brought the smelly drooling vulgar thing into *my* house in the first place, without even asking my permission! Yet they both can open cans, operate the "fridge" door (I have tried as hard as I can, but just end up hurting my claws) and Meowmie does grow her claws just so she can scratch that forever-itch just behind the ears. Can't live with 'em, and not allowed to extract their opposable thumbs. [sigh]

> Shmogg how's the weather over there? My tootsies are
> freezing over here.

It's cooling down, of course, but its still warm enough for me. The slaves have started dragging out their extra fake-fur layers for lounging on the sofa at night, and I must admit I enjoy making a next in it too - until that drooling smelly vulgar thing thinks its can join me! Apparently its not so bad if I jump off the lounge going upwards, but Paw tends to go "oof" and then curl up and be very still and silent if the smelly vulgar drooly thing hits him just right. I try very hard not to smirk, just as Meowmie tries very hard to be sympathetic. I have no idea why he goes all quiet and curls up in a ball, but then again, he hasn't gone to the vet's like I have and had his grey fluffy marshmallows removed. I don't know why, Meowmie was very happy when I had mine removed. Perhaps she is trying to get the drooly smelly vulgar creature to remove Paw's without the vet visit?

> Fdgkfghkvc,georyteruty..... "Scratch"… Okay now I
> have had it. Chloe is been such a pain here.
> Anyway I have to go now because my poor pads getting
> sore and I don't wanna ruin them.

Juliet, although it takes a lot of concentration in the Meatloaf meditation position, in the end its easier to get the slave to type everything out for you. Their paws are better designed for typing, it saves your delicate and petite paws fro all that hard work, and human minds are designed to want to please us anyway. Just concentrate on what you want to say, and the feeble mind of the slave will think that *they* are writing an amusing anecdote for their friends when all the while it is you controlling them. Honestly, Juliet, its really easy once you've found a place you won't be bothered for a while, and it will save those beautiful paws of yours from all that unnecessary manual labour which is so beneath your station in life. You are to be worshipped and adored (and I do, but, alas, from afar), not to be occupying your time with a mundane task that your slave would be more than happy to do for you. Please Juliet, remember your position and don't demean yourself by doing yourself what your slave should be doing for you. That's what they are there for, and they enjoy doing the little things (as that's really all they are capable of, poor things).

> I'm going to spend some time grooming myself because
> Chloe is next to me and she stinks badly. Also, I
> have touched the keyboard too much and I don't want
> any more human germs.

Grooming is very important, and I realise you have to work extra hard to keep up that extraordinary visage of yours looking as absolutely purrfect as it is.

> Till then my Shmogg friend meows from all of us here.

So as not to deny you any more of your beauty time, I will sign off now as your distant but adoring paramour. Please keep a stiff upper tongue and be patient with the current tribulations. Given your skill and beauty, I am sure that you can turn the situation around to your advantage most easily.

Purrs,

Shmoggleberry

Copyright © Vicky Chapman