Mrrps! Juliet,

My deepest an most humblest apologees fur not replying earlier. It iz becoming harder an harder to get Meowmie to sit still in front ov da puter fingy so I can hypnotise her into typing fur me. I still haf to use dis mefod coz her tinfoil hat doesn't fit me. She says she iz "chatting" to all her frends in da catslaves group. Well, its nice to know dat dare are udder catslaves out dare, but she iz spozed to be paying attention to *me*. I guess you must hav da same sort ov problem, coz my Meowmie sez dat your Meowmie has done a great job on her Cat page an I guess dat means she has spent lots ov time in front ov her puter fingy too. Stupid puter fingies. Sometimes I doz jump up onto da desk an roll around on da "kee-bord" so Meowmie knows dat I am still live an haf needs. But what does she do instead ov petting me an loving me? She scooches me off an den grabs da keyboard an puts it in her lap! So den I headbonks her hands a lot to let her know dat she iz still my slave, an she complains I'm not made ov glass. Well *of course* I'm not made ov glass. If my gud self was made ov glass wood she be able to see my bee-yootiful sillouette against da backdrop ov da "monitor"?. Stupid slave. an den, an dis iz da worst bit, she tells her friends, so called 'catslaves' what I'm doing, an day say fings like "LOL" an "Hi Shmogg". *Day* are good catslaves, *day* notice me. Meowmie just keeps ignoring me. Eventually I eefar start howling or get da stupid drooly smelling fing to bark at da greeblings. My slave always gets up to see what da idiot iz yelling about, an da stupid idiot drooling smelly fing iz always more den happy to lead her on a wild goos chase (she iz *such* a suck). So while she iz being lead around da house by da stupid dumb smelling fing (da stupid leading da stupid) I dance across da "kee-bord" an make it chime. If I'm lucky, I sometimes gets it to "diz-con-ect" which really makes Meowmie meow some very nasty fings, but I haf never been cort doing dis so she not realise its a bastard cat trick an finks its still her eye-ess-pee. Dat will teach her!

I'm glad you like da kitty cubes, an I'm sure da red cube does wonderful fings fur your beeyotifull shining coat. Ifn I had a coat like yours, I'd sertinly want to keep it in tip-top condition, an sertinly woodn't want any dirt to get anywhere near it. Your tail iz da eighf wonder ov da world, an shood always be back lit from a monitor to display it purrfectly. My own grooming raygeem has always been fastiduous, especially now wif da drooling one's drool contaminating me from time to time (dat takes *so* long to get out ov da fur) an I still pay very ticular interest to myz stomach - which I'm pleased to note iz trim an tortt dese days (I suppose da drooling idiot iz good fur *one* fing). Although I'z never had da incredibly soft luxurious tummy fur as you do my sweet Juliet, it iz improving.

I will haf my Meowmie all to my own gud self soon. I was reading her forts last nite while she fort we were asleep togefer - she likes to hear me purr while she goes to sleep - isn't dat somefing else? She *enjoys* being hypnotized, so much so she relaxes an goes to sleep to da tune? Amazing. an day are so much easier to work wif while asleep. Anyway, I'z found out she's going to be spending 5 whole weeks dedicated to my beautiful self starting in da monf day call December. Udderwise, why else wood she be taking time off from dat place called "work"? (sownds lyk a bad bad plays to me) It will be good fur her too - she seems to be sumwot distracted at da moment,and she needs my calming presence to help her mood. Certainly, she doesn't sleep half as wel las she used to - asIi can attest to - I hate being pushed off da bed at night by da slow an dimwitted creatures, day are bad enuff when day are awake!

Udderwise I spend my day teasing da stupid smelly drooling fing, an killing Paw. Well, trying to kill Paw. He just isn't a cat *slave*. He likes me OK, but no matter what I do, he won't admit dat I'm da superior species in da house - incredibly, he finks *he* iz da alpha male. an da suck-up smelly drooling fing doesn't help - she almost worships his very existance. Get dis, Juliet - when I try get his attention so he can scritch me, he squirts me wif da super soaker! Its not like day haf any *real* nerve endings in dair hands or feet, I don't know why day complain when I bite dam, an besides which, surely dangling dam over da end ov my couch iz just an open invitation fur me to correct dair finking. Whats even *worse* iz dat dat snitch ov a suck-up ov a d*g *likes* being squirted wifa super soaker - an she doesn't even haf to bite dair hands to get it. She actually *begs* fur it. Not dat its a terribly bad fink - she doesn't stink so bad when day've finished wif her - but she invariably shakes all dat eu-de-d*g-stink water all over me. I can't win Juliet. Sometimes its only my fond recall ov your exquisiteness dat reminds me dat dare iz still beauty in dis strange mixed up world.

Gotta go – big horrible noisy carpet fur eading monster just possessed dat strange elfunt fingy dat livs in da cubbord most ov da time. I hav to go an protect da dus bunnies unner da bed. Day wood be sacred udderwise without my gudself to be dare to look f'rocious fur dem. Iz must protect dus bunnies – day is much fun an gud frends.

Luv,
Shmoggleberry

Copyright © Vicky Chapman