1. Hear me, oh great one, when I cry to thee in thy dwelling place! Hear me, for I speak with the voice of the just! Hear me, for I am righteous, and I walk the good walk. And my name shall be Blameless.2. Blameless shall they call me, and I walk the good walk the whole length of a mantelpiece laden with the most garish ornaments: chachkas for which breakage would be too kind a fate, lava lamps, and worse. Agile shall they call me, and I shall negotiate my way through such brute nastiness as this, and there shall be no smashing.
3. And smashing shall I reserve for a single and very expensive Baccarat vase that sits by itself in the middle of a large and uncluttered table and that only an act of malicious will could destroy. And I shall look innocent, and Blameless shall be my name. 4. And your couches will be mine for the shredding, and your divans shall I leave in tatters, and you shall buy your costly scratching posts in vain.
5. Put up your doors, oh upright walkers! For you shall not keep me out, and you shall not keep me in. I shall show you how little I care for your gates. For I shall cause you to open them with nothing more than a long and forthright look. And I shall cause you to close them with a prolonged and shuddering miaow. And a period of no more than thirty seconds shall elapse between the opening and the closing, and entrance and egress shall be as one.
6. And your ankles were made for no other purpose than for me to make a demonstration of my able and sinewy winding. For your laps are a slate on which I can perfect my kneading.
7. Make mine tuna.
8. Suffer me not to be belled, oh great one! For starlings are plentiful and stupid, and death at my paw is really too good for them, but we all have to go sometime, and if it be thy will that I should be the agent of their demise, then so be it, and who am I to argue?
9. Deliver me from liver.
10. For mine is the kingdom, forever and ever, and I shall always walk the good walk. The good walk shall always be mine and I shall be Blameless. Thus saith the cat, and the cat saith right.
Amen.
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