TO: Mr. Shmoggleberry, President of the International B*s**rd Cat Society

FROM: Barnabus Cook of Stone Mountain, GA

Dear Mr. Smoggleberry,

I am submitting my official request to join the International B*s**rd Cat Society. I believe I have finally reached a level that will at least allow me Junior Fellowship status.

My Meowmy always goes into the littlest room by herself and has the nerve to close the door on her feline slaves. She claims that I would jump onto counters and shelves and knock off breakable stuff. Isn't that what a cat is supposed to do?

So Meowmy goes into this room, the door of which opens out into our bedroom (we allow her and Paw to sleep in our bed). I'm sitting on the dress-her beside the door, making sure she doesn't need my help in there and I'm looking around... first at the large arm-war on the other side of the door and then at the sueet-case sitting between the arm-war and the wall. Then the idea came to me. She thinks closing the door is keeping me out of the little room but I'll turn it around and I'll keep her out of our bedroom! After all, she might try to pick up the sisal mousies lying all over the floor. I leapt from the dress-her to the sueet-case and knocked it over - right across the doorway so that it was sort of wedged between the dress-her and the arm-war. And then I sat upon it.

When Meowmy finished doing whatever it was she was doing in there she tried to open the door but it wouldn't open! She tried to figure out why it wouldn't open but was unsuccessful. Finally she tried to stick her arm out the door to see what was blocking the door but her arm wouldn't fit. Eventually, after shoving and pushing at the door she was able to get her fingers through the gap of the door, but she quickly pulled her hand back and yelped. I thought she was playing finger mousie, how was I supposed to know she didn't want me to bite her fingers? When she yelled I thought she was having fun so the next time she stuck her fingers out I attacked them again. We played this game of finger mice for awhile. Paw was in the family room asleep on the couch so he didn't hear her calling him to come rescue her. As if I would have so easily given up my prisoner! Finally, after about ten minutes she was able to wiggle her fingers under the sueet-case and move it out far enough to get her palm under it to move it out a little bit more so that she could get her hand under it to lift it. Of course, she didn't know that I was sitting on top of it holding it down with my 11.5 lbs of muscle. She reached around the edge of the door with her hand and tried to lift the sueet-case but only managed to move it a little way that time. Finally, she was able to get the door opened enough to get her wrist under the sueet-case enough to put some muscle behind lifting it and she escaped. But for a little while I was in charge of the household and could say who could and could not come into our room!

When she finally got out and saw me sitting on the sueet-case she realized exactly what I had done. She ruffled my beautiful black fur and muttered, "B*s**rd Cat" which made me realize I had an opportunity to apply for membership in the International B*s**rd Cat Society.

Request respectfully submitted,
Barnabus

Copyright © Julie Cook
August 17, 2005