The day began well for the Princess Ivory. She started her trail of rampant destruction early that morning, visiting the litter box at six, an hour earlier than usual. As Her Highness refuses to cover her own business, this forces her groggy, but totally stench overwhelmed handmaiden/lady-in-waiting, the beauteous, long-suffering, and well-trained Lady Mere to wake up an hour before is her usual wont to cover up her Highness' mess for her.

"You are a menace, Cat," the Lady Mere grumbles, stumbling back down the staircase to bed, totally refusing to give in to the Princess Ivory's demands that she be let into the rest of the house and fed that instance. The Princess Ivory gives the Imperious Look of Cat Disdain to the Lady Mere for forgetting to address her with the proper respect and courtesy due her rank and station in life. The Lady Mere ignores the look, having engaged her Amazing Shield of Cat Proofedness as she got back into bed and closed her eyes. Temporarily foiled, Princess Ivory puts into action her second plan of attack - having failed in her direct nasal assault, she now indirectly attacks the Lady Mere's visual senses by knocking her lady-in-waiting's very expensive, specially ground in another part of the country spectacles onto the floor.

"Bitch Cat," the Lady Mere murmurs sleepily, and, having experienced this scenario every morning for the last six months, expertly pushes the cat off the bed and scoops the glasses up, stowing them safely under her pillow, all without waking up properly. The Princess Ivory humphs in offence and applies a cold nose to the Lady Mere's face. "Geroff, you little menace". The Princess Ivory is once again pushed off the bed. She retaliates by knocking over the pile of paperbacks on the floor by the bed, and pulling the rest of them out the book case. The Lady Mere snores on, oblivious.

Back up on the bed, the spectacles having been removed from paw range, the Princess Ivory plots her revenge. The glasses may be gone from the night stand, but there's a whole lot of other stuff on there . . crash goes the TV remote . . crash goes the stereo remote . . crash bash goes the asthma inhaler . . wallop go the thirty dollar a bottle essential oils . . . Princess Ivory has just started carefully shuffling the eighty dollar lamp to the edge when the Lady Mere gives her a rude shove from behind. Thud goes the cat.

"Alright, alright, you little menace, I get the idea," cries the Lady Mere, retrieving her glasses and swinging herself out of bed, "I'll feed you damn it."

The Princess Ivory hurtles up the stairs - but at a refined and elegant pace, and she does not, I repeat, does not trip over her own front paws as she reaches the top. Cat gets fed, Lady Mere gets to go back to bed, happy cat, sleepy handmaiden.

Having consumed her inferior breakfast, nibbling tentatively on the biscuits and ignoring the meat completely - except to bat a rather interesting piece around the floor, the Princess Ivory retires to the back of the arm chair, this time to terrorize the cat fish in the tropical fish tank. The catfish race back and forth across the tank . . out goes one paw and a slightly extended claw . . . SWIPE . . DAMN! There's something hard and clear in the way . .hang on, let me have another go . . claws scratch on hard glass, the cat fish waggle their way across the tank tauntingly . .the Princess Ivory sniffs her disdain and casually leaves the lounge (well, if you can call an attack of the thundering buffalo loony kitty herd casual) to begin her assault on the sun room . . . .

Later that morning, the Lady Mere emerges upstairs to the rather odd sound of the Queen Mother's voice admonishing the Princess Ivory "Just look what you've done, Madame," says the Queen Mother sternly.

"Why are you telling the cat off, Mom," the Lady Mere asks.

"Just look what she's done, the naughty thing," replies the Queen Mother, pointing to the ornaments knocked to the floor, the dishevelled couch cushions and the tangled drapes and lace curtains.

"Oh dear," says the Lady Mere, trying not to laugh as she helps to tidy things up.

Unfortunately the Princess Ivory has not yet finished her rampage. She commands her hand-maiden to Play with her. The Lady Mere brings out Her Highness' favorite toy - the cat teaser with feathers dangling off it. "Give me a work out" commands the Princess Ivory. The Lady Mere Obeys and sets off running up the hallway, feather toy trailing enticingly behind her. Up the hallway, through the sun room, down the hallway, through the dining area into the lounge, up over the new sofa, claws catching in the fabric, through the drapes, over the wood basket, behind the television, crash go the videos in the video holder . . . wallop goes the wood basket as it topples over, ouch goes the princess Ivory as she gets trapped between the two . . . flumpf go the couch cushions as they fly through the air . . wince goes the lady Mere as claw marks appear on the sofa . . through the lounge and into the kitchen . . splodge goes the piece of meat the Princess Ivory had batted around earlier then left under foot . . scatter and splosh go the food bowls . . through the dining room and down the stair case and trip over our paws and . . .

. . .survey the trail of destruction left behind. The Princess Ivory flops onto her favorite downstairs chair in satisfaction. She loves it when the Lady Mere does the 'all over the house playing' workout with her. The Lady Mere collapses in exhaustion - it's hard to outrun a cat. It just remains to be seen if the Queen Mother believes the Lady Mere when she blames the mess on the Princess Ivory .. Oh, dear, I hear the front door . . I believe that may be the Queen Mother now . . Ivory, dearest, time to play hide and go seek in the basement . . . .

Copyright © Maryrose Lockerbie