• Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

• Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.

• Always lands on her spleen.

• Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.

• Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

• No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

• Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.

• Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.

• It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

• Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.

• He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

• Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

• Has more chins than lives.