One of the funniest things I've ever seen is watching these little hairy varmint critters, especially Maccabee, trying to negotiate stairs.

Sasha and Willoughby take them two at a time, bounding from top to bottom or bottom to top in long, gliding strides that look almost effortless. Mac, on the other hand, because of his stubby legs, has to take them one step at a time. And long steps they are, for him.

When going up the stairs he bounces on tiptoe a couple of times to get momentum, then leaps with just his front paws, barely catching the edge of the step. Then he runs a couple of steps, again with just his front paws, until he clears a space for his back paws. With a Herculean effort he heaves the back part of his body up onto the same step with his front paws, hind legs flailing desperately for purchase; sometimes he makes it, sometimes he doesn't. When he doesn't make it, he yelps as he drags his dangling participles backwards over the edge of the step. When he does make it his hinder parts are moving swiftly, while his front parts aren't moving at all, causing him to slam headfirst into the next step and wrinkle up from stem to stern like a Slinky in a sock.

He then discovers he can't rest on his laurels, because there isn't enough room on the narrow step for him to perch comfortably. So he instantly has to start the whole process over to make it up the next step.

The sound effects are in keeping with the effort; "Grunt, Yipe!, thump, ooofff. . ."

Going downstairs is also a problem. First he does a handstand on the next lower step, then runs with his front paws while his rear legs kind of wave in the breeze, because when he brings his hind legs down before his front paws clear, there isn't room for them. As the Swede said just before he fell off the dock, "I ain't got no place to stood!" Also if his front end isn't well out in front of his hind end, he drags those dangling participles again. But if he tries to run too fast, he'll go arse over teacup down the stairs.

In addition to all this he has a long, pointy nose that marches before him and threatens to act like the pole in a pole vault, plus big, floppy ears that wrap around his head and cover both eyes and almost flap him senseless with every jump.

In the meantime the cats are running upstairs and downstairs with gay abandon, turning somersaults and doing feats of gymnastics that almost make Maccabee weep with frustration. It doesn't help when the neighbors watch him and dissolve in hysterical laughter.

But the little feller keeps trying. When you consider he has to do this several times a day, usually on a leash, there's something almost fine about his perseverance. In fact, I think I'll make him a Maccabee-size pogo stick.

Copyright © David Yehudah
October 8, 1999