Dear Tech Support:

I am writing because I am concerned about some possible quirks in the 'Feline Large Ginger Tabby, 1998-04 Series, Mackerel Pattern, Male, Golden Eyes' which we acquired – used – in July 2000. I am fully aware that, by acquiring this model used, we waived all rights to a warranty. It's entirely possible that these quirks are well within the realm of 'normal operating tolerances' anyway, but I didn't want to let anything get out of hand, in case some necessary adjustment might affect his long-term performance, or worsen over time and result in an equipment failure.

It seems that when fed the same amount of thermal operating fuel as both our 'Feline Sm/Med Black/Red Brindled w/White, 1999-05 Series, Female, Tortoiseshell Pattern, Hazel Eyes' and our 'Feline Large Brown Tabby, 1997-10 Series, Female, Mackerel Pattern, Green Eyes,' the ginger model (which we've nicknamed 'Gord') persistently reports that he has not been provided adequate fuel. He warns us with great volume, persistence and energy – so much energy, in fact, that we are tempted to wonder if he might not require less fuel to operate if he burned up less of it advising us he had received inadequate fuel to begin with, and might require an adjustment of some sort in this direction. Is this normal performance for this unit?

If this is normal we can live with it, but I feel compelled to advise your Research and Development staff that if this can be improved in later models – either by reducing fuel requirements or lowering the maximum volume on the unit's warning sounds – it might be advisable. My guess is many who share their houses with this FLM might very well perform ill-advised acts out of sheer frustration - such as shutting it up in a small room with a heavy door, stuffing it in a bag and shoving it into the clothes hamper, or inserting its head into the toilet and flushing repeatedly. This is a danger especially if the model performs its rendition of 'Swan Lake' on the full bladders of its primary fuel sources at six o'clock in the morning with the kind of regularity our Gord does.

Additionally, the Gord spends a great deal of time storing up heat by lying in front of heating vents. This is not an inconvenient or disturbing habit, and not one we would request to have adjusted – I just recall distinctly that my mother's 'Canine Sm/Med Blue/Silver 1982-02 Series, Male, Yorkshire Terrier Pattern, Brown Eyes' used to engage in this precise behavior, and I'm wondering if perhaps some piece of circuitry from a Canine model wasn't accidentally integrated into our Gord, since most Feline models I've ever had have shown an extreme aversion toward air blowing over them.

Also, I wanted to thank your technical support staff for aiding me in reducing the density of our 'Feline Large Brown' unit (we call her 'Tink'). The recommended fuel adjustments have effected a gradual reduction of fat storage cells to a satisfactory level, without causing any circuitry or metabolic malfunctions, and she – unlike our Gord – never complained about the quantity of fuel. Even when she does make her notification sounds, she has a lovely, melodic voice that FLM might be well advised to use in more models!

As for the apparent malfunction we had originally reported in our 'Feline Black/Red Brindled w/White' model(Doodle), we are pleased to report the routine wherein she apparently ceases to recognize her tail as a part of her integral machinery and attempts to attack it is simply an attractive, amusing 'bug' and appears not to be at all stressful or damaging to her overall well-being - in fact, now that we're used to it, we enjoy it as much as she does. While she often falls off the furniture while attempting to catch her tail, she never seems to be damaged, and generally jumps right back up to continue pursuing it.

Additionally, what we suspected were quirks in her voice box were simply, likewise, part of the overall wonderful uniqueness of the model – she makes the greatest range and variety of advisory sounds I have ever heard in a Feline model. If this was a beta - like the other two, we also acquired our Doodle unit used and know nothing about its original specifications - rest assured this quirky voice routine is very amusing and pleasant to the ear. Kudos on some first rate programming!

Though it is obviously a variation on similar themes, I have since encountered a 'Feline Brown w/Ginger Furry Love Machine, 1999-11 Series, Female, Tabby Pattern, Green Eyes' similar to our Doodle unit ('Stella,' currently residing at a shelter for reconditioned units) who exhibits similar attractive quirks. If it were not for my fear of a fundamental incompatibility between the Stella and the Doodle units' programming, we would seriously consider acquiring this model. Someone is in for a lovely little bundle of surprises when they take Stella, I can say that much! Just don't be surprised if you hear from them about the tail thing, as she, too has this routine installed.

Looking forward to hearing from you regarding the fuel requirements and volume adjustment on the Gord unit, and just generally reporting wonderful results from all three (other than Gord's bladder dancing and hectoring), we await your response.