Shmoggleberry

This morning Shmoggleberry woke me up at 6am demanding breakfast. Since there was still a good two hours I would be allowed to sleep if I obeyed his wishes, I stumbled out and gave him his canned mush. After visiting the smallest room of the house, I staggered back into the bed and went back to sleep.

At 7:30 something was sticking into my back. Without getting into the details, Joel and I fixed the "problem" and then collapsed into a sweaty but satisfied heap. That was when I saw the two green eyes staring at me quizzically. Shmoggleberry had been there the whole time and had watched us.

Shmoggleberry & I then had the oddest mental conversation:

Shmoggleberry: What on earth were you two doing?????
Me: Errrm.... Yes, well, you see,.... errrm.... well, when two people love each other very much - Shmoggleberry; But I thought you loved me!
Me: yes, I do love you, you're so sweet, and cute, and fuzzy, and wonderf-
Shmoggleberry: But you don't do that to me. Neither does Joel?!?!?!
Me: Um, yes, well, ummm..... That's because humans can only do that to other humans.
Shmoggleberry: Look, just because I'm kinda short and fluffy doesn't mean I'm not human on the inside, you know.
Me: Sorry, master. Well, errm, you know that cats do that kind of thing too, don't you?
Shmoggleberry: Do what, exactly?
Me: That sort of "practicing to make babies" thing. In your case "practicing making kittens".
Shmoggleberry: Don't be so daft! I've never had any urge to do any such thing!
Me: (under my breath) that might have something to do with that trip to the vets that time.
Shmoggleberry: What do little grey fluffy marshmallows have to do with this?
Me: Never mind. Look, I express my love for you differently. Do you see me scratching Joel under the chin or giving his back good skritching?
Shmoggleberry: Ye-
Me: Never mind! Look. If I got up and gave you some more food would you just drop the subject?
Shmoggleberry: Food? Food! Food! Come on! Lets go! Hurry up! Shnell! Shnell!
Me: (as I led him to his crunchies bowl) *)%&($! ^*#@! (^%^! ()&#$!!!!!
Shmoggleberry: Hey! You promised me food, not this crunchy stuff. This crunchy stuff is snack quality only. You said food! Gimme food! Food! Food! Gimme! Gimme!

After giving Shmoggleberry his second breakfast in under two hours, things went back to normal (well, as normal as things are with him around, anyway). I hope he doesn't ask his Meowmie any more embarrassing questions, and I'll have to remember to keep the bedroom door firmly shut next time Joel and I decide to errr, ummm, well, you know....

Copyright © Vicky Chapman
December 11, 1998