Shmoggleberry

5:53am. Awaken to the sound "Ack. Ack. Ack" Through fuzziness of sleep, come to the horrid realization that the Ack sound is really the sound of a cat preparing to deposit its dinner on something not wipeable. It sounds close. Real close. Cat last seen snoring contentedly on bed. Cat now not on bed, but still close. Cat also not on floor in bedroom. Cat cannot squeeze under bed. Foot explores the horrid possibility in the covers, as Ack sound ceases. Cat not found, but evidence of cat's stomach contents is. Instinctively recoil foot, only later realising that "deposit" now spread further in bed. Think "Errgh". Cat extracts itself from doona cocoon. Cat proceeds, oblivious to the semi-digested sludge cooling on human foot, to walk up to face, licks it a few times, settles, and purrs lovingly.

Can't decide whether to avoid yucky bit in bed and get remaining hour's sleep, or avoid the possibility of being sick oneself by cleaning up gross mess before brain fully comprehends what the sticky stuff on lower limb really is. Barf begins to congeal between toes. Try to exit bed in resignation. Cat of 6kg holds down covers preventing all escape routes. Cat re-licks face with reassurance. Cat purrs intently. Cat does "cute" poses as way of regaining good-book status.

Surrender to the incredible wizardry of Cat Love Spells. Lie awake for 45 minutes wondering why one allows oneself to be manipulated by "just an animal" whilst hoping recycled Whiskas won't stain. Cat headbutts cheek several times. Cat licks face. Cat purrs. Cat rolls over for belly scratch. Spend remaining 15 minutes forgiving cat. Conclude that some of the grossest things Cat does are heavily outweighed by niceness of Cat.

Alarm clock sounds. Get up, follow cat to feeding station. Pat Cat. Feed cat before pathetic mewlings alert neighbours to presence of Cat in no-pets-allowed unit. Pat Cat. Carry out morning ablutions, giving special attention to lower limbs. Pat Cat. Place linen in washing machine for "super wash". Pat Cat. Say goodbye to Cat. Leave for work thinking that although Cat can sometimes be a pain in the butt, Cat is more adorable than ever.

As front door closes behind human, Cat reports back to the Cat's World Domination League that Experiment 1384573.45A was a complete success. Cat has nap, then trashes new indoor plant in preparation for Experiment 1384573.45B. Cat awaits patiently for return of human subject.

Copyright © Vicky Chapman
July 24, 1998